Sad and Beautiful World (Original Blog 2004-2008)

BlogHer '08 Part I: Pleasantly surprised

I went to San Francisco with very little expectations, and as most of you probably know, keeping one’s expectations low usually results in being pleasantly surprised. 

Before I go into my own experience, let me just say that I really believe any large gathering of people is just a reflection of humanity and that bloggers are no more elitist or snobby or wonderful or friendly than any other cross-section of humanity. There is good and bad, always.

And so by some miracle of miracles, I was able to focus on the good this weekend. I did not attend the daytime panels at the conference and instead went out with Flickr friends, so maybe that helped. ☺

Thursday night was the welcome party for newcomers, as well as the “People’s Party” (which was not, I found out with some disappointment, a Communist organization. Heh). The newcomers’ party was on the very top floor of the Westin Hotel in a beautiful ballroom. The elevator goes outside the building for the last dozen or so floors, which was breathtaking. Cecily and I had gone out to dinner before-hand for Indonesian food with fellow bloggers Dan and Sarah. We had met Dan in Philadelphia for TequilaCon and Sarah has been a longtime reader of Cecily and by association, me. We had a great time with them and Dan picked the perfect restaurat. Sarah was convinced to come with us to the party. Cecily and I both remarked later how sweet she is and how it felt like we had always known her…could not have been more comfortable!

In the lobby of the Westin St. Francis we immediately began gathering a gaggle of other lost bloggers looking for the party. We got on the wrong elevators and had to come back down to the lobby to find the elevators that went to the top of the building. In the elevator I realized that Stephanie Klein was among us. At the party we got some water and stood around scoping everything out. I took some random photos. Stephanie then approached us and she and I began talking about photography while Cecily was talking with some of her fans. I have had so much on my mind about my photography in particular and photography in general that I just spilled out stuff to her (in reality, I was so sleep-deprived that I’m not sure I know all that I said). Stephanie was gracious and warm and just a total sweetheart and I know it is silly to be star struck by a blogger, but whatever. She’s famous, and she wanted to hang out with me, so I was a little verklempt over that at first. But it passed as I connected with her and I truly hope I made a new friend.

Eventually we made our way down to the People’s Party which was in a far-too-small room (although apparently there were a lot more people attending these pre-conference parties then ever before). We were too late for the swag, but I was able to find some bloggers I knew and continue to meet new ones. I got to give KerriAnne a big hug but sadly didn’t get to hang out with her at all, otherwise. I saw Karl and Hilly and never saw them again. I had a woman come up to me and say she’s been following my photos for over a year and never comments but loves them and had to meet me. I had that happen a few times over the weekend and I have to say, it is so freaking cool! Being recognized like that is so rewarding and makes me grin like a happy fool to be complimented in that way.

So we went back to our hotel feeling giddy with it all! I was amazed I hadn’t felt stressed out or insecure and I didn’t even want to smoke. It was awesome. The next morning Cecily and I said our goodbyes after getting our caffeine and I got onto the BART towards Oakland to meet my Flickr friend Therese. Getting the ticket was an adventure in itself because their machines are so stupid (you are supposed to know that even though it starts you at 20 bucks, you can hit the “minus 1.oo” over and over again to get down to 3 bucks, then the “plus .05” to get up to .70. Huh?

I went out to a little suburb past Oakland where Therese lives, as I had invited myself to her house. I wanted to see her prints and her darkroom. She was gracious enough to allow me to see her home, which was absolutely lovely and arty and exactly what I imagined. Seeing Therese was beautiful…talking about photography for hours and seeing her work in print form as it was originally done…made me really want to use film again. One day when I can afford it, I will play with film again. She also explained how she does her cyanotypes and so that is something I can play with and will soon once I get the chemicals needed. She took me out to lunch and then to this amazing set of trails on the bay called The Albany Bulb, where there are sculptures made from trash dotting the landscape. I took a lot of photos there and will be uploading soon. I have a lot of photos to go through from this trip, so keep your eye on my San Francisco set as I add more.

I got the BART back to SF and raced my way through the TONS of people on the streets to get to the hotel. I didn’t have much time to shower and get ready to go back to the Westin to meet up with Cecily again. I was wind-blown and filthy, but walking on air. I dashed into an elevator at the last second that normally I would have let go since there were more than 5 people in it. I caught my breath as the doors closed and realized I was looking right at Jon Armstrong. I had no time to really think. “Oh my God,” I said, “It’s Jon Armstrong…” just then Heather peeked around from behind some random person blocking my view “…and Heather!” I only had time to shake their hands and introduce myself as Sarah. Heather said she thought she saw me on Flickr looking at photos tagged with “BlogHer08” (so I think she was talking about my selfie of me sprawled on the hotel bed). I spewed out “Yeah, I have one tagged and up already” and then tried to get off the elevator with them on their floor. I backed up and said, “Well see you later!” and of course never did see them again. The doors shut and I turned to the 4 business people in the elevator, opened my mouth… …and then closed it. I had nobody to tell. I went back to my room and saw myself in the mirror and laughed so hard…I looked like a completely insane person! My hair was so windblown from being at the bay and racing through the streets. I also later realized they had JUST arrived and were likely staying at the hotel where the conference wasn’t so as to avoid being accosted in the elevator. Ooops.

Well, Heather and Jon, I’m sorry for that and I am sorry I only had a short elevator ride to say anything because what I would also have said is, “Thank you. I admire you both and enjoy your writing and photography immensely and I think people who say mean things suck.”

(Part II tomorrow)

TequilaCon'08 Hangover: Regrets

TequilaCon was this past Saturday night right here in Philadelphia! I just want to say first off that Jenny rules and Dave’s swag is the coolest swag I’ve ever gotten my hands on, and Vahid was the most welcoming charmer. The place was so much more comfortable than I thought it would be (I was worried it would have too much of a “we’re so hip and trendy” vibe). It was really laid back and the staff was wonderful.

I feel really badly though, for not making more of an effort to get to know people I hadn’t met before. I already know that I’m socially retarded, and when I got sober over 12 years ago it became painful, but did improve. Just never as easy as when I was drinking, of course. Anyway, it seems like it got worse again over the past few years, and I think a lot of that is because I go out less and less. I got to meet Shelli, but didn't spend enough time with her. The hugs were totally awesome, though! I did get to meet Karl, finally, which was really cool as he has been very supportive of my photography since I started the self-portrait thing (and I honestly don’t think it is because I get naked often). I also got to meet Abagail and Shiny and Dan and then see again Jenny, Dustin, Kat, Jill, Sandra, and others. I missed Brandon, but I’ve taken his face home for comfort. Heh.

I did what I normally do, though, and that is to pick seat and basically glue myself to it. So if folks came by where I was, I spoke with them. Otherwise, I didn’t. And now I feel badly for not making more of an effort, because I didn’t have a bad time, but I know I could have had a better time if I didn’t find it so difficult to speak with people! I hate feeling this raw. And of course, the just shy of three weeks without cigarettes made me that much more raw. So I wanted to smoke. A lot.

I am hoping TequilaCon is held in Chicago next year. I want to visit there and I want to try this again without my eyes to the floor.

A Guest Post!

I have always been a surprisingly gullible person given my deep-rooted cynicism. I’m a walking contradiction, as I’ve pointed out before. I hate humanity, I love people. I hate being in crowds, I love being social. I know everything and nothing.

I hate being fooled and have always tried to duck under the radar on that national day of fooling, April 1^st. I thought I had escaped unscathed this year and apparently got cocky about it. I went to read this post from the non-blogger Brandon on April 2^nd or 3^rd and did not bother to take note of when it was posted.

I fell for it so hard that I even wrote a gushing email to Brandon saying how excited I was about his return and about how much I missed his writing and his comment section. I came off like a love-struck school girl, I am fairly certain. 

So imagine my embarrassment when he sheepishly wrote back to drop the other shoe. It was a j-o-k-e, Sarah, a joke. He may have felt bad, but I felt like a complete idiot. I told him he could make it up to me by writing a guest post for my faltering blog, but only if it was all about how wonderful he thinks I am.

After a close reading, I see that he is clearly saying that his desire to be with me forever and the fact that he can’t have me has obviously been the real reason behind his blogging goodbye. I’m so sorry, Brandon. If only we had met in another time; another place—our whole lives could have been different. But you have your hot Romanian wife and I have my sexy British husband and never the twain shall meet. Unless, um, you’re not into that kind of thing are you?

----

What Three Words

I have whiled away the most recent day with a mental game you just have to play, I say. Imagine, and then I pause, for effect, for composure, for old lang's sake, for the big surprise of the night before, that holding hands in a dream compares favorably to the real world phenomenon, with points lost for the scent of magnolia in the air, but gained for complete lack of sweat or fear that someone is actually watching. 

Imagine, I continue, and see that no one else is around, but still, these games we the people play in order to form a more perfect union, that you have come down with an illness that has taken away your ability to speak. The doctors have found some unfortunate treatment, an insufficient cure that has even the snaky oilmen crafting new campaign promises: they can only restore three words to your vocabulary.

What words do you choose?

In this walk up the hill, I learn that these moments aren't marked by verses of poetry, or any words at all for that matter, but by the rise and fall of fingertip pressure, heartbeat, then 'good night.' I learn how many steps you take along the path before you stop, turn, and see that she is no longer there. I know this is right. That these are the needs we neglect far and wide, short and near. That I've learned to live without, and can continue. But not promises. Promises are the crystal spheres of a thousand tiny shards of glass, not haphazardly undone, not so keen to come apart.

I learn that there are three words that will remain in my vocabulary to the last. The first is Desire.

* * *

I am late for work the morning next, it's not just the sleep I'm wiping from my eyes but the memory and the color of the sky. The brittleness of my fingernails speaks to health neglected in favor of habits, but good humor, too, the constant reminder of ice cream truck bells ringing in my ears.

What are those? Alcohol shakes? The Irish Cream numbing the taste of the tiny fingers who picked these beans.

Alcohol shakes? Mmm. Those sound tasty. What's in 'em?

It's more a symptom than a beverage, she says.

It's what it's.

I can be annoying with my tendency to walk away when you take your eyes off me, a habit that usually starts in childhood and only rarely lives long enough to pass on to a new generation of wanderers. I come back to my coffee cup when the coaster's clear. Pick it up. Put it down. Pick it up. Put it down. At the door, walk back, pick it up. Put it down. In the car, I wonder if it's because I always like to leave a little behind.

My second word is Forever.

* * *

I want to ask the question so badly, I'm killed with the curiosity, salted in my footsteps, but I'm not terribly interested in opening my mouth, down to my last word, knowing I have to save it. Knowing that I'll waste it. Knowing that I'll react, like the heat of the sunlight reaching the solvent in the dippy bird. My knee jerk's connected to the foot in my mouth.

I have said it so many times in my life that it seems wasteful to select it as my final word. I have felt its permanence at the hospital departures. Goodbye, I whispered. I have understood its intransigence when the door is slammed in your face. Goodbye! she screamed. I have known its hollow ache, when the uncertainty of whether or not it is meant keeps either of you from committing it to the heavy, salt sea air. Goodbye, we think.

I look back upon the rules and question whether or not I can communicate Desire with a look in my eyes, or hold my breath and insinuate Forever. But I know that even given a thousand new words, symbols and sighs would not atone for this poor choice of Goodbye.

I'm not sure if I like this game.

Wonky

I'm finally trying to change things up around here and thought I could design the page myself. I even made a banner!

It doesn't seem to fit the top of the page the way I want no matter what I do to it, however. I have it sized at 770pixels wide. Can anyone help? It should be not as tall and I'd like it centered if it won't spread across the page. I made the main column 'fluid', too...maybe that was a mistake?

I wanted to go back to the wide main column so that I could showcase photos more often here. I'll be playing around with this off and on for a while, I guess, so bear with me.

…still working on it!

There Are No Coincidences

Just last night I was talking with Pete about this blog and my pathetic attempts to get things going again. I post that ‘Just Write’ entry and then do nothing…a short post about my fever and then photos. I said it was feeling like a weight; a ball and chain; a chore. It wasn’t fun anymore like the photography is fun. I said I keep thinking about quitting but something is holding me back. Most of my readers have been around since the beginning, cheering me on through the long-distance Visa struggles, the wedding planning, the suspense, the fairytale ending. You have been with me through the struggles of raising a daughter with suggestions, kind words, and humor. You have applauded my sobriety and been proud of me. Even though my pursuits in photography have taken me away from this blog, you’ve praised the images. You’ve even said you enjoy reading the boring minutiae of my life.

How could I just leave you after all you’ve given me?

This morning I went out for groceries and then a little while ago came to the computer to check Flickr. I saw I had new e-mails and went to Gmail first, where I discovered a heart-felt letter from a woman named Emily who found my blog by looking for someone with worse drunken stories than hers. She shared some of her life with me. I wrote back in astonishment thinking, “What if I had shut it down?”

Apparently I’m not going anywhere, even if I only write occasionally. I don’t know why this has become such a struggle for me, but I do know there is a reason for it. Not just sharing about my recovery, but realizing that we all have stories to share and that the one thing that I love most about the Internet is being able to connect with people I might otherwise never meet. What I love most about that is finding commonality with others—these one-on-one understandings are what make life valuable. If I look at the big picture I see hopelessness and sorrow, and that is all I ever used to see.

The good stuff is in the details. So thank you Emily. Even if I were to never hear from you again, we connected today for a moment, and you gave me something extremely valuable.

Time to Reveal Yourself!

Hey, guess what?

I've just been reminded in a comment on my last post (from another Sarah no less) that this week is National De-lurking Week!  So hello to Sarah, the first de-lurker, and thank you for introducing yourself!

I can't for the life of me remember who started this Event, but let's just roll with it.

I've been a really slacking blogger for a while now. Not only with fewer and lamer posts, but also with not responding to comments or emails very often.

So, here's the deal. If you de-lurk this week here in the comments, I will respond. I will respond in the comment section! Just to see if I like that better. I do it on Flickr, so now I'm used to that. If it goes well, I will continue to do it that way. If you have a preference, let me know. People can still email me if they have direct/private questions, too.

You don't have to reveal who you are, either. You can just put any website address into the url box if you want only me to see your email, or fake in both or either if you don't want me to see it either. All I ask is, if you're gonna be anonymous, then make up a cool as shit nickname. Don't just type in "anonymous" okay?

Let me know who is out there!

Day Five: Another Anniversary

I misspoke two posts ago when I said I was coming up on my 3 year anniversary of starting this blog. Somehow I added a whole year! I’m relieved that Max pointed out to me he thought it was actually 2…and a cursory check through my archives shows the start date as November 5^th, 2004. Exactly 2 years ago.

I am thrilled by this because I was doing the math after saying it was my 300^th post and was deeply disappointed in myself to find I had only posted on average of 2x a week! Now I know I posted as I thought I did…about 3x a week on average.

Two Years. It does feel like three, somehow, doesn’t it? My entries have become more aimless this year than the first one, I think. But, as I concurred with someone on Flickr today: a lot can happen in 365 days.

This year has been about growing as a new family and forming stronger bonds between all of us. I am so proud of my daughter and how much she has grown this past year with so big a change with which to deal! She’s been incredible, and Pete has been more and more impressed with her each passing week. They have made real strides together, those two, and I am grateful. Pete got his permanent resident card, finally. We took a real family vacation together and loved it. My grandmother died, and then her brother—my great uncle—died too. Cecily and Charlie had Tori after so many years of struggle and heartache. I took up photography again and have fallen in love with it. Pete has organized the basement into a really comfortable place for himself to work and to play with his electronics hobby. And we are more in love than ever.

Thank you, to those who have been reading since the beginning and to those who have joined along the way. I am so grateful to have you along with me on my journey. My journey where, you may ask? Nowhere in particular…let’s just enjoy the ride, shall we?

xo

Silliness All Around

I am finding it harder and harder to write blog posts. I guess we all go through those slumps, right? Even when I have all those questions to answer!

Well this is a short one, but exciting because there’s VIDEOS!!

First, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Amanda B. of VeryZen, one of the coolest, sweetest chicks on the Internest.

My daughter worships her for her animal photos and the fact that she rescues squirrels, so we got together to sing birthday wishes to her on video, and posted it for all the world to see. A lot of other folks did too, and you can see ours here.

S. had already been asking me to make videos because she is a budding star, don’t you know, and has impeccable comedic timing. So we then stayed at the computer and did many versions of a video she made for Cecily, hoping it would be seen by “all you bloggers out there.”

I think it is hilarious, and I know Cec and Charlie will think so, but I’m not sure about anyone else. It’s about two of their cats. She came up with the idea of starting the video by pretending to be doing something else without realizing she was being recorded…very funny.

You can see her in all her glory here.

Enjoy!

Talking About It

Ack! Bad Blogger!

I have been completely absorbed and obsessed with taking self-portraits for Flickr and looking at others and spending time with my husband. I briefly lost the will to blog.

I know! Temporary insanity, obviously.

So, you people asked a lot of questions a few posts back, and now I guess I probably should answer them even though most of them were those annoying ‘what if’ questions (I still love you all, though, since I begged for it).

But I’ll start right in with the heavy one for a couple of reasons.

One, I get to link to Brandon, who I love and adore and admire and this way I can get you all to check out his interview on Leah’s site because Brandon gives the best answers to any question you could ever think to ask.

Two, because it doesn’t make me come up with a new name for myself and then have to explain why I chose it. Heh.

So Brandon wrote:

"Explaining sex to children? How young is too young and do you prefer photos or illustrations? Gah. I totally had to explain sex last night to my son.”

Excellent question, and a topic that is more and more on my mind of late since my daughter is going to turn 11 soon and is already very interested in her body and the changes that are occurring within and without.

I have always believed in being honest and open with my daughter, theorizing that if I am straight with her and always tell her the truth, she will trust me and feel comfortable enough with me to come to me if there is ever anything upsetting her or something seriously wrong.

Sometimes I am not certain this has been the best tactic, but it is the one that feels the most right to me and who I am. There were a few times in her room before bed when I realized I was probably giving too much information and making her uncomfortable, and I would take my cues from her and ease up. But basically, my daughter has had the information of how babies are traditionally made since she was very, very young. Like two, I think. And in explaining that I’ve always included that some couples struggle and need help, that some families adopt, and that some couples are two men or two women; that some women choose to raise a child on their own.

We are fortunate, I think, in that we have always been surrounded by friends and family from many different lifestyles and family choices. My daughter has attended a lesbian wedding and witnessed two gay men holding hands and kissing on a hike, then share a tent at our group campsite. She’s seen my brother and sister-in-law adopt two beautiful daughters from China.  She's seen Cecily and Charlie struggle for 4 years and through the loss of twin boys before finally having Tori. I’ve also made sure to be very clear that some people wait to have sex until they are married and some of the reasons why. There are more reasons to discuss when she is a bit older.

She’s also seen me date, have my heart broken, and then find love and stood beside me at my wedding. She’s seen her father date and move in with different women over time. She’s seen he father and I give support and caring to one another. And she’s seen my parents celebrate 44 years of marriage.

So she understands the mechanics of heterosexual sex and the possibility of homosexual sex, although we have not gone into mechanics there (and only because she hasn’t asked). She is mostly disgusted by it all, of course. I do not think that I am putting too much focus on it, because I don’t talk about it unless it comes up with her, and that hasn’t been very often.

Now that she is getting older and I have heard so many horror stories about what goes on in middle school these days (I’ve written about this before, but am too lazy to find it and link to it…though it is possibly one of the links in my ‘get to know me’ section). My mother is very nervous about it. I am nervous about it.

I do think she has a good start, though, knowing that I will answer her questions. The message I want to impart to her above it all is to love herself, respect herself—her mind, body, and soul. I want her to understand that I am not happy with all the choices I made when I was younger even though I am at peace with them. I want her to see me loving my body now and loving who I am, and show her other women doing the same.

I was looking into getting a book aimed at girls her age that talks about the physical changes, etc. Any recommendations are welcome—I only did a preliminary look into this book I heard about called “How to Deal: Tips on Being a Gurl” and was a tiny bit horrified. First of all I HATE that they purposely misspell “girl” as “gurl,” but it seems to be a play on ‘url’ because it was a website first. The first part of the book is very informative about the female body, but the bulk of the book is about sexuality and appears to be sort of a ‘how to’ manual, filled with silly graphics and bright colors and is overall just condescending. Apparently a lot of teenagers love this book. I don’t know…I want something like “Our Bodies, Our Selves” but geared towards the pre-teen. Does a book like that exist?

Anyway, Brandon, I think that 23 months is too young, and I prefer to use illustrations when first introducing the topic, and they should be stick figures. We graduate to photographs later.

Blog Appreciation Day!

Neil, that esteemed Citizen of the Month—every God-damned month—came up with a lovely idea in between eating donuts and fiddling himself while missing Sophia.

It's called “Blog Appreciation Day”

He invited us to request he send a photo of our blog being read in L.A., and we were all regaled in our inboxes with photos of underwear saying “California” draped dangerously close to our pixels.

Ahem.

His only request was to spread the love and email someone else our appreciation. I had no idea how to choose someone! I mean, I love me some bloggers!

I decided, like many others, to show my appreciation more publicly rather than in private email, cause this way I give some traffic love as well!

My choice for today is the lovely Shelli, because she comments so often here and I so often don’t get around to leaving comments for her. I read her every day, as I do all the blogs on my ‘roll’, but a lot of the time I have to just read through everyone in Bloglines and move on with my day.

Shelli is incredibly kind and loving and through reading one another and emailing have discovered we have more in common than I think either of us thought. Through all the differences, there has been the constant support and sincerity in our wishes for one another, and I appreciate her more than I’ve let her know.

So Shelli, this is for you! Here I am, reading you, in the suburbs of Philadelphia!