Sad and Beautiful World (Original Blog 2004-2008)

I'm a Dreamer

Today I am 39 years old.

One more year before –that- age.

I didn’t think this sort of thing would bother me or even was bothering me but recently all those cliché feelings have surfaced. I fucking hate being cliché.

I think the fact that I only have a couple weeks left of my second self-portrait-every-day-for-a-year set is affecting me as well.

I came late to everything in my life and I’ve wasted a lot of time. It is very easy to dwell on what I’ve missed, what I didn’t do, what I should have done…perhaps what I could have done. That does nothing but make me feel despondent and frustrated. I rediscovered a love for photography a couple of years ago that I forgot I had. I have had moderate success without trying very hard. I should be trying very hard to get my work into arenas other than Flickr. This is what has been on my mind more than anything. Do I want to be a fulltime artist? Yes. Is that practical? Fuck, no. So it is time to get creative with how I make money using my art because getting into a gallery isn’t going to do it…my time for pipe dreams is long over. I wasted too many years on a barstool and in darkened rooms shoving drugs up my nose (and in my lungs and in my arms) imagining being “discovered” for a craft I didn’t work at (not photography).

So I am making a list of things to accomplish…both practical and lofty. I do not want to turn 40 without accomplishing my goals and creating new ones. Dreams are good to have as long as you don’t live in them. There is some saying that has been attributed all over the place…it is okay to have your head in the clouds as long as your feet are firmly planted on the ground. I want to try and practice that reality because I seem to be one or the other…floating in fairytale land or a stick in the mud.

I’ll put it on my list.

Just for today, however, I will celebrate and enjoy my special day. It only comes once a year, after all! ☺

Hot and Sweaty

A couple of weeks ago Pete and I went scavenging yard/garage sales so that he could find various electronic equipment he thought might be useful in his current pursuits and I was on the lookout for old cameras. Instead I managed to find an exercise bike for FIVE dollars that we immediately purchased and I’ve been slowly incorporating into my “getting fit” regimen. The bike was found at an apartment-wide sale and a man at the first apartment gave me two cards good for free sessions at his hot yoga studio up the road. I laughed and said I would probably die if I tried it, but took the cards. He said, “You won’t die. It is good to challenge yourself and try new things.”

Ain’t that the truth?

I felt as if I had been dared in the schoolyard. I was intrigued. I asked my friend Siobhan if she’d be interested in trying it when I got back from San Francisco and she was. I explored the website and immediately developed a mini-crush on the man’s wife/business partner who teaches most of the classes as I read all about her. She is in the process of doing a dissertation on using yoga as an early intervention method with children on the autistic spectrum, and this is like her 3rd or 4th degree. Some people are show-offs, eh? ☺

So this past Saturday was the day. They offer a limited summer schedule and classes available during the week are either at 6:30am or at 6pm, thereabouts…either too early or too late for me (classes are at least an hour…most are an hour and a half…so it is a commitment). Saturday started at what I considered a reasonable time: 10:00 am.

I woke up very nervous. I don’t eat breakfast and the website said to not eat anything for 2 hours before the class…so I wasn’t going to eat anything at all. I did have a small cup of coffee and drank one glass of water. I should have drunk more. Siobhan showed up and was just as nervous. Pete wasn’t sure if we’d make it back alive.

At the studio we said hello to the owner and mentioned we knew nothing about yoga, really, and were extremely frightened. She assured us we could go at our own pace and not to worry. We went right to the back of the small space as neither of us wanted anyone to see how much we weren’t able to do. It quickly filled up with about a dozen students (only one of whom was male as an interesting but not very surprising side note). The instructor started talking us through the poses and we tried hard to keep up. Her voice sounded like Sarah Silverman—the more I thought that, the more she sounded like her, and the more surreal the experience became. She looked a little like her too, but prettier and softer and with tattoos (well, visible ones. I have no idea if SS has tattoos). We began to sweat and once it started there was no stopping it.

At first it didn’t actually feel that hot in the studio, especially when we were coming from our typical Philadelphia area summer of hot and humid. As soon as we were struggling to figure out what “downward facing dog” was and imitate the other people in the class, the sweat began to pour. And pour. And knowing it was going to happen and just accepting that it was supposed to happen…it didn’t bother me at all. This was fascinating to me as I am a big whiney bitch in the heat, typically. Working my muscles and sweating is different, though. It feels good.

My inner monologue during the class never stopped. I didn’t reach any sort of enlightened state and in fact, I had to bite my tongue continually to stop my snarky comments from being said aloud (and I still let some slip whispered to Siobhan, who unfortunately couldn’t hear me). But I was appreciative of being there and my thoughts became more and more focused on how my body was feeling as the class went on. The hour and a half, for me, went extremely fast. There was a point somewhere in there when I was not sure if I could make it. Siobhan looked absolutely miserable (and she was miserable) and she was throwing daggers at me with her eyes every time I looked over to check on her. I had no watch or any way to check what time it was and I felt myself slipping into that negative, panicky voice. You know the one:

“Holy shit, this is hard!”

“How long have we been doing this?”

“My head is pounding. I think I am going to drop dead.”

“Siobhan looks like she is going to drop dead.”

“Should we leave? I think we should leave.”

“We are totally going to die.”

…and so on.

But I stopped it. I told myself to calm down and just go to child’s pose to rest if I needed to, like the instructor said. I did. I knew I could see it through and I knew if Siobhan needed to leave it was up to her to leave and I didn’t need to be responsible for that because she is an adult and I’m not the Queen of the Universe even though I totally act that way much of the time.

And not long after, the class was over.

Siobhan went straight for her car and said she’d be waiting for me there. I lingered so I could talk to the teacher a bit who told me I did very well for my first time. I said I did some Pilates, which seemed to help with some of the poses and she nodded. I asked her about eating, since there was a brief time in the class when I felt extremely nauseous from being so hungry (I know, but that is what my body does). She suggested a banana.

The rest of the day was fascinating for me to discover how it affected my body. I didn’t want to eat anything heavy or fattening at all. Pete and I went out to dinner and I wanted only really small portions and got one crab cake and a mozzarella/tomato/basil/pesto/balsamic appetizer that was heavenly. I did feel a bit queasy off and on throughout the day. I did pass out on my bed for about 40 minutes an hour or so after I got back. But Pete and I walked to the restaurant and back for dinner, which was a 20-25 minute walk each way. I felt both like I had been hit by a truck and that I had been nourished. I felt both weak and strong. I felt crumpled and alive.

I felt that I would go back and do it again this Saturday.

BlogHer '08 Part II: I'd Do it All Again

After the thrill of running into Heather and Jon wore off (and I had been certain to txt back to Cecily to gloat), I showered and changed and bought an energy drink to run back over to the Westin. Cec was supposed to meet me in the lobby, but wasn’t there, so I wandered around looking for her then phoned her 4 times and texted her once. Heh. Turns out the closing keynote for Day 1 she was in went long (they had something like 20 bloggers reading their “best” entries).

Let me pause here to mention Abigail M. Schilling. I neglected to mention her in Part I because I’m kind of a tool, but also because she kind of deserves her own post. She came and found me at the Newcomer’s party Thursday night and to be honest, until I saw her I hadn’t remembered that this was the same woman who drunkenly accosted me at TequilaCon when I was leaving, hugging me over and over again while saying she wasn’t a “hugger”. What I mean to say is, she is awesome. She will forever regret hugging me in that way in Philadelphia because I AM a hugger, and she has broken the hugging seal, so I will forever more hug her when I see her.

She had Cecily and I laughing constantly when we were with her and was the best staff person there, I’m pretty sure. She was “Staff” even though she had volunteered to live-blog and knew nothing else about the conference. Anytime anyone had questions, they looked for someone with the green “Staff” badge she was wearing. She was in charge of making sure the Internet worked.

Anyway. I think I love her and would hang out with her anywhere, any time.

So! The party Friday night was sponsored by TNT’s dramas The Closer and Saving Grace. That was just odd with its clips of the shows flashing on TV screens all over. It was in some swanky club that seemed to be a converted old theater. The food was delicious but I definitely was starting to feel the pain of not getting enough sleep and being on my feet a lot. We got to meet a bunch more cool women and even had a “fan” squee at our presence and I want to thank Jessica again for being such a doll and including me in the excitement even though I know she was really all about Cecily. 

Saturday I got up early and walked past two missions with homeless lined up waiting for breakfast in order to get to Dottie’s True Blue Café, where I waited on line for a more expensive (but delectable) breakfast. That was weird. I was meeting my Flickr friends Dottie and Shane, who then took me to a few cool neighborhoods, which are must-sees in the area. We rode buses and I used a transfer, which was very exciting for me. Riding public transportation in an unfamiliar city is always an adventure, but this was better because I didn’t actually have to think—just follow. We went to The Castro first, and I don’t know why it did but being there made me instantly and extraordinarily happy. Rainbow flags everywhere and men holding hands with their male partners, kissing, just being completely relaxed and open about their lives…it was this beautiful haven and it just lifted my spirits so much to see what could be. I suppose it should have depressed me to know it only exists in small areas like this, but it is something. It felt like what freedom should feel like, being there.

Next we went to Haight-Ashubury which is just a big shopping area with overpriced stuff…a lot like South Street in Philadelphia but bigger, and lots of homeless hippies. I’m glad I saw it, but I was losing steam fast at this point and knew I needed to be able to rest and go back out again that evening. They got me back to my hotel and we said goodbye. I raced back, took a quick self-portrait, freshened up and ran back out to sneak into the closing keynote to hear Stephanie Klein and Heather Armstrong talk about “Living the Truman Show”.

I thoroughly enjoyed hearing them both and think it was an excellent job done. People really enjoy hating on popular people, but especially bloggers, and Heather seems to get a huge amount. I don’t really get people and never have. If you don’t enjoy reading her blog, that is one thing…don’t read it…but to make the actual effort to write hateful things about her and to her?? Imagine getting an email from an anonymous person telling you they are going to find you at a public event you are attending and throw acid in your face!! Seriously. It boggles the mind, as they say. Use your energy in constructive ways, people, that’s all I’m saying.

The party that night was at Macy’s, which was even weirder than the TNT party, but kinda cool. We had roped off sections that were opened just for us and other shoppers were turned away. We felt very VIP…well, I did anyway! Having food around really expensive handbags and then shoes and then lingerie and then furniture totally freaked me the fuck out, however. I couldn’t believe they were allowing us to do that. The lack of true non-alcoholic beverages there was my biggest annoyance…especially when in the first section (we moved from section to section through the store for different food, etc) they were trying to pawn off a cider as a non-alcoholic choice when it in fact had .5% alcohol and smelled like wine. No water anywhere.

I met two amazing women that night and got into a big discussion about our camera remote and marketing and approaches and that sort of thing…much of which made my head spin and I really wish I wasn’t so dehydrated and sleep-deprived at that point! I am really grateful to both of them for taking the time to talk with me and teach me and hopefully we’ll be following up with each other now that I’m well rested.

Cecily and I had a shuttle picking us up at 4am from our hotel to take us back to the San Jose airport, so we went back to our hotel to pack and laze around until then. We didn’t expect to sleep, but I passed out for an hour or so. Then we had a lunatic drive us to the airport. He was one of apparently 4 people born and raised in Berkley, California who is a right-wing conservative—a fan of Bill OReilley, no less! I’m pretty certain he was on the last legs of his drunk from the night before and I was literally scared for our lives with the way he was veering lanes. Then he came down off his high and the whole vibe in the van got sad. It was a surreal hour ride as Cecily told him why John McCain wants her dead.

Sigh.

I had an amazing trip and think San Francisco is one of the coolest cities around. I do hope to find a way to go again and bring my family and be able to see and do more. I would definitely attend the conference itself next year, too, if I could.

BlogHer '08 Part I: Pleasantly surprised

I went to San Francisco with very little expectations, and as most of you probably know, keeping one’s expectations low usually results in being pleasantly surprised. 

Before I go into my own experience, let me just say that I really believe any large gathering of people is just a reflection of humanity and that bloggers are no more elitist or snobby or wonderful or friendly than any other cross-section of humanity. There is good and bad, always.

And so by some miracle of miracles, I was able to focus on the good this weekend. I did not attend the daytime panels at the conference and instead went out with Flickr friends, so maybe that helped. ☺

Thursday night was the welcome party for newcomers, as well as the “People’s Party” (which was not, I found out with some disappointment, a Communist organization. Heh). The newcomers’ party was on the very top floor of the Westin Hotel in a beautiful ballroom. The elevator goes outside the building for the last dozen or so floors, which was breathtaking. Cecily and I had gone out to dinner before-hand for Indonesian food with fellow bloggers Dan and Sarah. We had met Dan in Philadelphia for TequilaCon and Sarah has been a longtime reader of Cecily and by association, me. We had a great time with them and Dan picked the perfect restaurat. Sarah was convinced to come with us to the party. Cecily and I both remarked later how sweet she is and how it felt like we had always known her…could not have been more comfortable!

In the lobby of the Westin St. Francis we immediately began gathering a gaggle of other lost bloggers looking for the party. We got on the wrong elevators and had to come back down to the lobby to find the elevators that went to the top of the building. In the elevator I realized that Stephanie Klein was among us. At the party we got some water and stood around scoping everything out. I took some random photos. Stephanie then approached us and she and I began talking about photography while Cecily was talking with some of her fans. I have had so much on my mind about my photography in particular and photography in general that I just spilled out stuff to her (in reality, I was so sleep-deprived that I’m not sure I know all that I said). Stephanie was gracious and warm and just a total sweetheart and I know it is silly to be star struck by a blogger, but whatever. She’s famous, and she wanted to hang out with me, so I was a little verklempt over that at first. But it passed as I connected with her and I truly hope I made a new friend.

Eventually we made our way down to the People’s Party which was in a far-too-small room (although apparently there were a lot more people attending these pre-conference parties then ever before). We were too late for the swag, but I was able to find some bloggers I knew and continue to meet new ones. I got to give KerriAnne a big hug but sadly didn’t get to hang out with her at all, otherwise. I saw Karl and Hilly and never saw them again. I had a woman come up to me and say she’s been following my photos for over a year and never comments but loves them and had to meet me. I had that happen a few times over the weekend and I have to say, it is so freaking cool! Being recognized like that is so rewarding and makes me grin like a happy fool to be complimented in that way.

So we went back to our hotel feeling giddy with it all! I was amazed I hadn’t felt stressed out or insecure and I didn’t even want to smoke. It was awesome. The next morning Cecily and I said our goodbyes after getting our caffeine and I got onto the BART towards Oakland to meet my Flickr friend Therese. Getting the ticket was an adventure in itself because their machines are so stupid (you are supposed to know that even though it starts you at 20 bucks, you can hit the “minus 1.oo” over and over again to get down to 3 bucks, then the “plus .05” to get up to .70. Huh?

I went out to a little suburb past Oakland where Therese lives, as I had invited myself to her house. I wanted to see her prints and her darkroom. She was gracious enough to allow me to see her home, which was absolutely lovely and arty and exactly what I imagined. Seeing Therese was beautiful…talking about photography for hours and seeing her work in print form as it was originally done…made me really want to use film again. One day when I can afford it, I will play with film again. She also explained how she does her cyanotypes and so that is something I can play with and will soon once I get the chemicals needed. She took me out to lunch and then to this amazing set of trails on the bay called The Albany Bulb, where there are sculptures made from trash dotting the landscape. I took a lot of photos there and will be uploading soon. I have a lot of photos to go through from this trip, so keep your eye on my San Francisco set as I add more.

I got the BART back to SF and raced my way through the TONS of people on the streets to get to the hotel. I didn’t have much time to shower and get ready to go back to the Westin to meet up with Cecily again. I was wind-blown and filthy, but walking on air. I dashed into an elevator at the last second that normally I would have let go since there were more than 5 people in it. I caught my breath as the doors closed and realized I was looking right at Jon Armstrong. I had no time to really think. “Oh my God,” I said, “It’s Jon Armstrong…” just then Heather peeked around from behind some random person blocking my view “…and Heather!” I only had time to shake their hands and introduce myself as Sarah. Heather said she thought she saw me on Flickr looking at photos tagged with “BlogHer08” (so I think she was talking about my selfie of me sprawled on the hotel bed). I spewed out “Yeah, I have one tagged and up already” and then tried to get off the elevator with them on their floor. I backed up and said, “Well see you later!” and of course never did see them again. The doors shut and I turned to the 4 business people in the elevator, opened my mouth… …and then closed it. I had nobody to tell. I went back to my room and saw myself in the mirror and laughed so hard…I looked like a completely insane person! My hair was so windblown from being at the bay and racing through the streets. I also later realized they had JUST arrived and were likely staying at the hotel where the conference wasn’t so as to avoid being accosted in the elevator. Ooops.

Well, Heather and Jon, I’m sorry for that and I am sorry I only had a short elevator ride to say anything because what I would also have said is, “Thank you. I admire you both and enjoy your writing and photography immensely and I think people who say mean things suck.”

(Part II tomorrow)

Going to California with an Aching in my Heart

Soooo, I’ve been pretty quiet about it, but I’m going to BlogHer this weekend. I’m still broke, so I’ve been embarrassed to say anything since I bitch about money a lot. The fact is it is a combo birthday present from a few people, and I’m only paying for the party registration (50 bucks) and food. My Jewish guilt about getting to go and about leaving my family behind and other things have made it difficult for me to actually be excited about it, but I’m getting there.

I leave with Cecily VERY early Thursday morning (leaving my house at 5am) and we have plans to meet with some blogger people that night, then there are parties at the hotel for BlogHer. Then Friday day I’ll be off with Flickr contacts and taking photos, just wandering around. Friday night is a big dance party. Saturday is another Flickr contact in the morning then some old friends for lunch. Then I don’t know and we leave at 3:30am that night/Sunday morning for the airport again. I’m gonna be a wreck when I get back!

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now and they are all nearly-formed blog posts that might actually be interesting, but of course right now don’t have the time. At this very moment, in fact, I have a 9-month-old baby girl hanging on my leg and sucking on the fringe from my cut-off jean shorts.  She’s cuter cause she isn’t mine. Ha!

I might do some of the writing I want to do on the plane and post from San Francisco. I have a lot of things I want to say. A lot of things I need to say. I want to go in new directions. I need to change the whole feel of this blog if I’m going to keep it. My creative energy all goes to photography, so if I don’t want the blog to die, I need to make it more about photography. So there may be another redesign in my near future.

Anyway! I’m sure I’ll also have a million photos and many interesting stories to tell when I get back, so that will give me some good blogging fodder for a little while.  ☺

Twelve Weeks

Radio killed the Photography Star

Guess who is going to be interviewed on the radio (sort of)???

You guys are so clever. Yes! Me!

My blog friend Karl has a weekly radio show on BlogTalk Radio, Sundays at 5pm EST and he asked me about a month ago if I'd be interested in being a guest. In my usual fashion, I said yes without really thinking about the reality in any way. Heh.

As the date has drawn closer I've become extremely nervous about it, which I know is silly since I met Karl at TequilaCon and he's a really nice guy and also a no-bullshit, say-it-like-it-is kind of guy.

The format is pretty casual and the cool and terrifying part is that people can CALL IN to the show, as well as join a chatroom on the site, which at the moment I can't even find so I'm not sure how that is going to work. I've created an account so I can chat with people if they are on there, though I imagine my head will explode if I try to do that while talking to Karl on the phone. :-)

Karl will mostly be asking me about my photography and, I imagine, my nudity, but nothing is off-limits for discussion.

So! You can listen to me live via this link below here or by finding “Secondhand Radio” on i-Tunes or you can listen to it either way later, as it will be out there on the Internet forever more. Yikes.

There will be cursing, just so you know.

This Sunday, July 6th, 5pm EST

Call-in Number: (646) 716-9370