Sad and Beautiful World (Original Blog 2004-2008)

The Show

The Art of the State show was fantastic! What a great party they put on...tons of people were there. The space is really large and then there was a catered reception in a big hall at the top of these escalators. I missed all the hot food because I had to run right into the exhibit and find my piece. D’oh! I heard the food was really good.

Seeing the work all hanging and finding mine blew me away. I was really overwhelmed...it was surreal. Me! Hanging in a museum!! :-)

I had a great time admiring all the work and then hovering near my piece to overhear what folks were saying about it. My daughter and husband would spy for me, too. She was hilarious...struck up conversations with many people and would talk up how great she thought the photo was. Heh.

The kiddo lost a tooth as well…eating a cracker. WTF? She says it wasn’t loose. She has quite a few baby teeth still left to come out even though she is 12. Our dentist assures us this is normal. In the dress she was wearing and her heels, she looked at least 17, however, so she blew this woman's mind in the ladies' room who thought lord-knows-what when she saw the bloody paper towel.  When I explained that the kid had lost a tooth she gasped, “OH! She's a youngun’!”

It was a lovely evening and my piece seemed to be getting a lot of positive attention! A few artists and others who I spoke with at different points immediately knew the piece when I told them which was mine. It felt pretty awesome to have someone gasp and say “Oh yes! I remember that one. Very powerful!”

:D :D :D

Yeah, I was smiling a lot.

Click the mosaic below to see a few photos on Flickr if you want!

Getting Fit, Part 2

Sooooo, I guess once a week was ambitious as far as posting progress. Also, I have been very frustrated and struggling with pressing on.

It has been 23 days since I posted this shot and amazingly, I think I can see a little bit of improvement. Which makes me feel great because I was certain nothing had changed.

I've been eating far less than I had been and incorporating more dairy (lo-fat, of course) into my diet. I've been keeping up with the Pilates for the most part and trying to get in a walk or some other form of exercise each day. If I skip a day or two, I try not to get down on myself for it. I've tried mostly to be very kind to myself after the first week of practically starving, because that just made me miserable. So I allow myself a treat sometimes.

I was doing mostly okay with all of this, despite the fact that I was seeing no real difference on the scale each week at my parents' house (I don't own a scale). One day it was less, the next time it was more. "It will take time," I told myself. Keep going.

Then last weekend I went shopping with my mom and my daughter. My daughter and I each needed something cute to wear to the Art of the State opening tomorrow night.

What is it about spending time in a fitting room?? I was practically in tears by the time we got to store number three and was snapping at my mom and making horrible disparaging remarks about myself and my body. In front of my daughter. Unforgivable. I do not want to be that kind of example to her! And so I felt worse, because now I was a bad mom. Oy.

I tried to snap out of it. None of us found a dress. I took my daughter out by ourselves last night and tried on some more. I went two sizes bigger than I thought I was. And I still looked like shit in those. I tried really hard to keep my mouth shut this time. My daughter found a dress that blew me away...she looked at least 16 years old (she's 12) and absolutely gorgeous.

*That* made me cry. :-)

We are our own worst enemies, I know this. So I'm trying not to listen to the mean voices in my head. Their job is to be mean and my job is to learn how to shut them up and replace them with more supportive, positive voices (without going all Stuart Smiley). I'm trying to apply a principle I learned in recovery and clearly need a refresher: progress, not perfection. If I work on always making progress, I can succeed. If I try to be "perfect", there is no attaining that, and I will constantly be disappointed. Frustrated. Sad. Angry. Etc.

So I'll continue. I tried to get a cute skirt and top today and still found nothing, but surely I have something in my closet I can get into. I won't go naked (though I did consider it)!

Coney Island on My Mind

One day soon I will find a rhythm for this blog again other than sporadic, sputtering, posts.
Bullet update!!

• Still have a lot of photos from Pennhurst to edit and upload.
• Went to the Mermaid Parade in Coney Island on Saturday and have a ton of photos to edit and upload from that trip.
• Kiddo started camp yesterday and came home with a huge smile on her face...it went well. She's at a horseback riding camp and loving it.
• I go back to some babysitting this week after a few weeks off.
• I'm recharging myself to submit my work again and get a portfolio site set up and a portfolio book to bring around to local cafes and galleries to see if I can get a show.
• This Saturday is the opening gala of the Harrisburg Art of the State show and I'm looking forward to it!
• It has been 10 weeks since I quit smoking and I am definitely "over the hump". I still miss it and wish I could smoke, but I don't mind not.
• I'm not losing any weight yet, but I am doing my pilates (most) every morning and walking a lot or doing some other form of exercise each day and I'm eating a LOT less. I've been frustrated about not seeing any changes yet but realize I need to have patience...but that is why I've not posted any new "getting fit" photos.
• I am feeling a need to push myself further with my photography, to try things new and perhaps outside my comfort zone. We'll see if this goes anywhere. :-)

Abandonment

I went back to Pennhurst over the weekend and will be adding to my Flickr set over the next couple of weeks.

Pennhurst has invaded my dreams since the last time I went. I was dreaming about it with more frequency right before this second visit and now, now I close my eyes to see peeling paint and soiled curtains against sunlit skies. I wander these hallways drinking in the sights and sounds.

I did more reading between my first visit and my second one, and so I was on a finer razor’s edge of nerves this time. I kept jumping at things I thought I saw or heard. I got angry to keep from crying; directing my rage not at the loss of innocence and cruelties that I’m convinced did take place there (though I am just as certain there were good things about the place as well), but at the tremendous waste of ALL of it—the furniture, the computers, the clothes, toys, pictures, records, equipment, that were just left! It is as if everyone just didn’t show up one day.

Since 1986 the buildings have been neglected, nature intruding every chance it can. Vandals have made their mark by throwing papers around, breaking windows, leaving doors open, burning things, spray-painting everything in sight and ripping bathroom fixtures out of the walls. I came across a sex room some asshole is bringing girls to with used condoms all over the place, a dirty mattress, and tea lights. What kind of sick bastard takes a girl to a place like this?? We saw dead animals, flooded rooms and missing floors. We saw Christmas decorations.

We saw sadness everywhere. Neglect. Waste. Abuse.

Now, 22 years after the site closed, there is talk of development, of all the buildings being torn down. There are concerned citizens trying to have what was the administration building salvaged and made into a memorial to all those involved with Pennhurst—their tragedies and triumphs. I signed the petition and hope you will too.

Tori Turned Two!

Don't you just love alliteration? :-)

Yes, little Tori, Cecily and Charlie's gorgeous daughter, turned two years old on Saturday. They had a nice little gathering in a local playground with snacks and cake. We are in the middle of a heat wave here, but in the shade it was quite pleasant. Step into the sun, you melted, but the kids were pretty resilient.

Time really does fly. I went back and read my posts on Cecily's blog when she was still in the hospital after having Tori, and it already is a lifetime since then. My heart hurts with how much I adore this child. What a gift.

(Both her and my ability to love like that).

Getting Fit

(I posted this on Flickr and meant to post it here as well...sorry if you've already seen it)

I've said many times that I'm not brave just for getting naked all over the Internet. There are many women who post real (HONEST) photos of themselves on here all the time. Frankly, I've always been terrified. Even before the current extra 20 lbs. LOL! That insecurity...that I've talked about before as well. And a lot of it was in my head. But I'm not comfortable with my body like this, for me, because for me this is unhealthy. Here's the weight stats, okay? *Gulp*

I am 5'9"

I weighed 135-140lbs in high school and that was normal. Except for that trip to Israel when I turned 16 and lost 20lbs. I thought I looked fab.

I weighed around 140 for most of the years after that, I think, though I wasn't checking regularly. Then I got into drugs. I lost a bit. Then I got into harder drugs and lost a lot. I was 120lbs and pregnant when I went into rehab almost 13 years ago.

I had my daughter, I stayed sober, and I went back to being 140. Then I started an office job. I gained a bit. I exercised on and off. Then I got married almost 3 years ago and yes, typically, we both started gaining weight. Heh. And I also started working from home. And became kind of a bum.

And then, the last straw, I quit smoking. I didn't really think about what I was weighing as I don't own a scale. One night at my parents' before this quitting smoking thing I was shocked to find I was over 150lbs.

Well now it is over 160lbs. I'd like to get back down to 145lbs if I can, and tone up. That's it. Nothing major.

This is what I really look like today. Relaxed posture, no tricks, no angles, only used Photoshop to adjust levels a tad.  I don't like it, and haven't for some time.

This is incredibly difficult for me to post. I spend all my time doing self-portraits trying to look my best, or to create an alternate me, or to emphasize one aspect of me. I hate seeing this, but know that others might see no big deal. I hope you understand this is about me and how I see myself, nothing else.

Finally going to start exercising and just reduce caloric intake...no counting calories or writing things down or anything like that. I know I've been eating too much. I know how to eat less. I have just chosen not to. :-)

I figure this will keep me in check much the way my quitting smoking videos have kept me in check...knowing I'll be posting about it; knowing it might help others; and I can post progress and slip-ups, too.

I did my Pilates routine this morning and I ate cereal instead of a bagel and a couple pieces of cheese instead of lunch. I had dinner at my parents' house and my dad made spaghetti and meatballs (!!) but I was good and had a reasonable-sized portion and did not take seconds. I allowed myself a small piece of cake for dessert. The absolute hardest part of my day is now...back home, ready to watch a bit of TV, and I'll be ready to chow down at 9 or 10pm. I'm going to eat raw peppers I have sliced up even though they will make me cry. ;-)

My husband, when looking at this, said "I see the woman I love and go to bed with every night. You look beautiful." If we could only all see one another like that, eh?

*N.B. I think weekly I will be posting progress shots honestly and reports on my exercise and eating habits. Honestly.

Seven Weeks!

Late again this week, sorry. I have done video each week, but didn't post it here each time. They are all on Flickr, though. No Internet during the day the past two days at my babysitting gig. Damn, did  that suck.

I seem to be over the hump now. Still want to smoke, but it isn't this "I need to smoke or I will fucking kill someone" urge so much. LOL.

The antibiotics I got from my dad seem to have really made a difference in my illness, so I might just be on a high from finally feeling a little better after over a week of sick.

But I think it is getting easier. Pete thinks so too. We don't feel the need to eat constantly anymore, either, but we do enjoy it. :D