I go out walking

It is so easy for me to see why I never sign up for the write-a-novel-in-a-month thing. It is 8pm and I still haven’t written even the most inane post for this blog, only the second day in.

Anyone else notice that the more free time you have, the lazier you become? The more hours you have to fill, the quicker they can seem to go by?

I was somewhat productive today, though I have yet to begin writing for my photo book. I sorted out three months worth of invoices—it took a while for Pete and I to figure out what was what after his computer died and we lost some vital information. And I found a pair of angel wings on EBay and bought them. Something I’ve wanted for a long while in this self-portrait journey…so many ideas I’ve had! I was trying to find out where one of those temporary Halloween stores are in my area that crop up every year, and the place I usually see one has turned into a permanent DollarTree (great in and of itself). I wanted to hit the costume sales the day after Halloween. I couldn’t figure out online where one was and nobody I knew had seen one. And then just a little while ago when taking my daughter to drop her off at an ice-skating rink, we passed one! I’ll be going there tomorrow…there are other things I’d like to have.

And I walked again today. I decided a while back that I had to get outside and moving, even if it wasn’t aggressive exercise. I’m in the worst shape I’ve ever been, and I hate it. If I’m not going to a park or to trails, however, I like to have some sort of destination. So I’ve taken to putting on a backpack and walking the 20-25 minutes it takes to get to the local shopping center in order to buy a few items I can carry; or to the bagel store in that same center; or my bank. Sometimes instead I walk down to the little town and the local grocer. Sometimes Pete comes with the dogs. I bring my camera in the pack, and after I get whatever I’m getting I take out the camera and take photos on my way back. I walk different ways sometimes. I get some fresh air, some blood circulating, and the bonus is I am not using the car as much so I’m saving gas.

But the best part is how it can clear my head. I don’t go every single day, but almost every day because I start to crave it. I need to get out.

I have what is a pretty loose schedule, to put it mildly. I get up at 7am; the kid goes to school at 7:30. I sit with Pete on the porch drinking coffee for a bit then he takes the dogs out and I get on the computer. And I get lost in there. Sometimes there is actual work to do, but not too much. I eat. I go walking. I come back and take my photo for the day. I work on it and while I’m working on it the kid comes home. Already. Then I get dinner ready. Then I relax with the family and help her with homework if she needs it, then she goes to bed…and I’m done. I go to bed.

Like I said, how could I get up at 7am and have the day be over so fast?

I need to craft my time better. Being able to stay home is fantastic and such a gift…but I’m wasting it. And I’m losing my mind in the process, I swear. I keep throwing out ideas of things I’ll do, or ‘should’ do, or think would be neat…but nothing changes. Ahh…I remember. That characteristic of not being willing or ready to change things until I am in enough pain…that really hasn’t changed for me much since being an active drunk. Speaking of that…I should really be getting to more meetings.

This is a stream of consciousness kind of post I guess. I remember when I first got sober we were told to write out how we would spend our days, because idle time was the addict’s enemy (the devil’s workshop, I guess). I wrote an absolutely ridiculous list. I mean, laughable! I was going to get up before dawn to write. I was going to walk. I was going to do all sorts of things that some people actually do every day. And I’m just not like some people. I’m like those other people.

Maybe like you?

Comments

[Meira]

That characteristic of not being willing or ready to change things until I am in enough pain…that really hasn’t changed for me much since being an active drunk.
I had a giant 'oh, yeah . . !' moment when I read this -- I've been bitching at myself about a bunch of things lately, and wondering why I can't just do whatever-it-is, and then assuming it's because I'm inherently bad, and then starting the whole cycle over again . . . It's comforting to think it's not just me, and it's not some strange undiagnosable issue.

Alas, I've forgotten what the key to getting over it is, or do they not cover that in the texts, I don't remember. But if you hear of it, please tell me!

[tracy]

i've recently had the pleasure of discovering flickrians , that write blogs.
This essay really hit the nail on the head, about having the free time, and letting it slip away, i can so relate.you're a good read, and you take good pictures, what a great discovery. thank you.

[Kate]

I feel like that sometimes - I'm temporarily working part-time (as opposed to full-time), taking care of my three month old on the days I'm home, and it sometimes seems like I do absolutely nothing and then it's the end of the day. And she's an easy baby, so I can't blame it on her. I love the part-time work schedule though; wish I could do it forever.

Maybe you shouldn't think about what you *should* do or *will* do, so much. Because that can be crippling, I think, and can prompt rebellion. At least for me. Maybe you should get up every morning and think about what you *want* to do that day.