Breath

Mother and Father and Daughter all return tonight, ten long days since they left. Phoning yesterday, my daughter informed me that if there were not any salt and vinegar chips in the house upon her return, she would kill me. She also requested that we go to our regular Chinese restaurant tomorrow night. She misses these things that mean ‘home’.

I cannot wait to review all the photos they have taken and hear their stories. My mother told me that they are more than ready to come home. They are exhausted.

This is the longest amount of time that my daughter and I have ever been apart (we think 7 days was the longest prior to this) and the ache to see her is physical, and deep. She sounds so grown up on the telephone. It has always sounded strange to me to hear her voice over the phone…the first time was truly jarring, I remember. It just doesn’t sound like her—the real her I know.

A friend of Cecily’s who now lives in Arizona recently showed me some photos from two years ago when the three of us and my daughter were hanging outside of Cecily’s work. D. had a Nikon D70 that my daughter was begging to use (like mother, like daughter) and finally D. relented. There were several photos of my daughter as well and I was shocked by how young her face looked—more shocked by the thought striking me of how old she looks now. How old she is getting. She is only ten years old, but in many ways she is older. This age is so bizarre, I remember, wanting so much to be mature and accepted as a “real” person, wanting to be grownup, but at the same time wanting to curl up with my mommy and be babied sometimes. Starting to feel weird about my father’s hugs and not really knowing why; so many change beginning.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to be able to visit Menita’s new son, a baby who is a true miracle and who scared us all so much by getting so sick right after he was born. Looking at him now, one would never know. He is beautiful…huge eyes, long eyelashes, large hands and feet and nose…he is going to be a strong and wonderful child.

I got to spend more time with Tori, too, of course. I am so in love with that baby it startles me sometimes. I mean, obviously I knew I would love her—she is Cecily and Charlie’s after all—and I love what she represents: the determination, the courage, and the love between her parents. But there is something more. When we were at the cabin, there was one afternoon when Cec and Charlie went out to get a few things at the store and they left Tori with Pete and me. I was exhausted and had been feeling under the weather, so I scooped up Tori and lay down with her on the double bed in our guest room. I stared at her and held her tiny fingers in mine as she slept, and eventually I drifted off into my own sleep as my heart swelled in a familiar way.

Later I told Cecily, you know, I love babies, and of course I knew I would love Tori, but the feeling I get when I look at her is more than that. I feel the same way I did when I would look at my own daughter as a baby. It holds the same intensity.

It quite literally takes my breath away.

Sometimes it is really hard not to think about having another child…being able to have a baby with Pete and to share that joy and heart-swelling and tiredness and stress. It is hard not to wonder sometimes.

Comments

[jg]

Ten days? That's the longest? Wow. I remember the first time I spent a weekend away from T. I felt oh so strange and empty. Boy THAT was long ago. Now she spends most of every summer away from home and when she comes home, I'm like "that's it? you're back already?"

ok, that's a BIT of an exaggeration, but not much!

[wavybrains]

If you should so decide, I think your daughter would be the most awesome big sister and that you and Pete already are terrific parents, aunt/uncle, and friends. Good luck whatever your heart/head ends up deciding in that arena.

[Cecily]

My mom says that Tori "oozes" love... I think it's true. That's why she inspires such feelings!

[Heatherg]

So why dont you?
Then new baby and Tori can grow up together etc. etc. ?

Just a thought...........

Nothing lights up a room like a sweet baby, and of course, nothing Darkens a room like my 12 year olds mouth.

[Rach]

do it!!!!!!!!!

[menoblog]

Heatherg, i think you answered your first question with your last sentence. :)
Babies become sarcastic 12 year olds. Although the journey is great.

[sandra]

Ooh! Have another! Have another! (she says, never having had a baby and therefore having no idea how much work that entails...)

[Shelli]

Before I had my second child, my niece was born and I was astonished by how much love I felt for her. I never thought it was possible to love a child that wasn't from my own flesh as much as I loved her. She is still incredibly special to me.

[brando]

every time i start to get down on the state of world affairs, i can come back here and see how much capacity for loving others still exists.

when our friends and family ask us when we're having another kid, however, i'm reminded that there are still plenty of evil stares to go around ;)

[Jessica]

I love all of S.'s requests...too cute (and I know you'll meet them all!).

I know just what you mean regarding the bittersweetness of seeing your kids grow up (God, do I) - and I particularly remember that 10 was hard for me....I kept thinking, "My son will never be a single digit numbered age again!"

[Menita]

Your daughter would be a kick-ass big sister. And Tori and Polly and J and Real Deal and all the other kidlets could be her posse. Just think about it.
It was great to see you guys this weekend, thank you for your warmth and support!
And about your love for Tori - yes, isn't it amazing, how you can feel that instant affinity and intense love for someone so tiny, and unrelated to you? Sounds like you two are on to something good.

[amanda]

the mother/daughter thing is so truly intense...simply thinking about my relationship with my own mother can bring tears to my eyes. lately i have been feeling a major need to go to my parents house for a little lovin'.

[Catherine]

Another baby...wow! It certainly would be an adventure, wouldn't it? I think S would have a blast with it. How does Pete feel about it?

[Heather]

Wow! Baby thoughts, eh?? I get them every once in awhile, then I think about how much I love the kids they are becoming, how much fun they are right now. Plus, I can't imagine going back to the mess of a person I was back then. But that's just me!

Same question as Catherine- what does Pete think? I think your daughter would love it.