"I Kissed Goodbye the Howling Beast"

This has been a very hard week. The combination of hockey games Sunday night, Monday night, and Thursday night (tonight) with fiancé visa stress, with meeting with a party planner friend of my mother’s last night and stressing about the wedding in general, well…this all mixes together into a soup of exhaustion. Last night I fell asleep at 10:30pm and still felt like I could have slept all day today.

I miss Pete so much, more than I have with previous separations. We’ve been talking about it, and I thought it had much to do with being so close to ‘there’. We started the paperwork…I’ve bought my dress…I feel, as I told him, that we’ve each waited through many lifetimes to find each other so they should be rolling out the red fucking carpet across the Atlantic Ocean for him to get to me, don’t you think?

The more we talked about it (okay, instant-messaged), the more it became clear to me that this is about more than patience (or a lack of it). This is about fear. In my journey of sobriety, I’ve learned much about myself and about alcoholics, but also about humanity. Cecily wrote about character defects today, and that has been on my mind a lot this week. It is a poor choice of words in the literature, but the point is that instincts are out of whack and that we need to learn how to rein them in. I’ve found, as have many, that these flare-ups of defects are directly connected to fear. The bottom line for ME, is that fear underlies it all. The ultimate, catchall fear being this: “I am afraid of being alone.” I mean this in a very Universal sense, not just ‘I want a boyfriend/husband/companion.’ I mean this as in “I am afraid that I am alone in this world.” Now some could argue that yes, I am alone in that sense, but I want to be universal, not COSMIC, okay?

Here’s the thing—that fear is a deep-down, imprinted fear. It is a fear I believe all humans share, actually. When my character defects flare up, I can trace them back to that fear eventually, though I often don’t have to go that far. I get to a fear, though, each and every time.

I have been completely stressed out to the point of physical illness and I have been on the verge of tears often this week (last week was PMS, but this is THIS week). I have been impatient, tired, sad, and aching for Pete. I hold the above all the faith that Pete and I were brought together through other forces at work, and in my heart believe that we will navigate our way through the red tape and all the stumbling blocks and avalanches it may throw in our way, and we will be married.

So what am I afraid of?

That I do not deserve this happiness and so something—something—will go wrong. This is irrational; I recognize this. These are old voices in my head, voices that generally I keep quiet through the work on myself I’ve done. I am not as connected as I should be, and this is the effect (that and the added stress, I suppose). I need to ask not only for patience with the process, but also for help day-to-day in trusting so that I can focus on my present without being a lump or a bitch to my daughter. I don’t want to miss out on my life today because I’m so anxious for the future to start with Pete. I wasted too many ‘presents’ when I was drinking because I was always focused on the mistakes of the past or the hope of the future (eventually the dread).

The truth is, I feel better having written this. I know that in reality, I’ve already begun with Pete! We’ve met one another’s families. He’s been to visit here several times now, and I’ve bought my ticket to visit him in France in April when we get to spend a week entirely alone together. And I watched my daughter play hockey tonight and kick some ass. And last night, Cecily came to meet with me and my mother and took charge because I need her to, and when she took out a notebook and began writing things and asking me questions, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I am so grateful to have her as my friend, so grateful that she can see that what can become controlling doesn’t have to be—her organization, planning skills, and ability to communicate efficiently on the phone and to ask the right questions are all assets, and she’s sharing them with ME!

Life is good. What the hell was I bitching about?

Comments

[Leggy]

Long distance sucks. When my husband and I were still dating, he decided to go to grad school- in Italy. We talked about it and decided I should stay here as I had my own grad school plans, but we did get engaged before he left. The deal was that I let him go do his thing, I'd get into school somewhere, and then he'd move to be with me and we'd get married. It was a hard time apart, so I can relate. (My dad died the week before I started grad school and my hubby-to-be was still off in Italy, so that was really tough.) But it is fun to have wedding plans to keep distracted.

I remember when I used to complain about missing him, my husband's grandparents would tell me about when they were separated during the war. They got engaged just before Grandpa was shipped off to Europe. In the FOUR YEARS they were apart, she got one phone call and hundreds of letters that were months out of date. No email in those days...

So I guess things are easier now? Only I think the instantaneous nature of our culture today makes it harder to stand the wait. If you can talk to him/IM/email, you get a taste of what it could be like if only he were HERE ALREADY.

Its tough. I feel for you.

[Catherine]

Well, I was going to post that I hope you feel better, but it seems like you talked yourself out of feeling bad by the end there! :)

Regardless, I hope you feel better. This will all be over soon, before you know it. Can you believe it's March already? I'm just getting used to writing '05 on my checks, you know? And it's spring, basically. It's going to go so fast, believe me. You'll be begging for a couple extra days to get everything ready! :) I say yes, enjoy this time; think about this. This is the last time you and S will be the Dynamic Duo, just the two of you, living alone. You should savor this last bit of having your daughter all to yourself. :) You know?

[Caitlin]

You are doing fabUlous and so on the right track in so many ways. The thing that is SOO great is that despite your fears, you are not letting any of them even remotely stop you. I'm happy you have Cecily, your mom, and Sophia there to support you with all the details!!
love ya

[cecily]

I'm sorry it's so stressful. It's ending soon!

[Sheri]

You and Cecily are so fortunate to have each other as friends. True friends are special.

Life is good.

[Amanda B.]

You deserve hapiness baby-cakes! You have come such a long way and I know things will continue to get better and better for you.

Fear is a son-ofa-bitch. But if you can identify it, you are already way ahead of the game.