"Her sin is her lifelessness"-B. Dylan

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships, sex, intimacy, and love. I have finally reached a point in my life where these things are symbiotic. Where it seems as if everything I’ve been through has led me to this point, and I am happy—truly happy. I have a few friends who are talking with me about issues surrounding these topics, friends who are each different, yet each with similar emotional responses; similar to me.

When I was a girl I always expected that I would grow up and one day meet the proverbial man on the white horse and of course we would fall in love and get married and have babies. I never even questioned it! As I moved into my pre-teen years and had small crushes on boys in class that were never reciprocated, and my girlfriends began to turn on me, a little doubt began to creep in—but not much.  In 6^th grade I began a three-year obsession with one guy, sending him notes, flirting in class, to no avail. I had girl ‘friends’ tease me about it, trick me about it, and then one of them actually ended up dating the guy.

By the time I got to high school, I pretty much kept to myself. After a year or two, I discovered marijuana and drinking, and went on a trip to Israel during which I drank the entire time. On that trip I finally received interest from boys—real interest (or so I thought) –for the first time. And I discovered what most teenage girls and boys discover: that sex sells, sister. Finally I knew how to get attention, and unfortunately it was the only kind of attention I thought I could get.

Thus began a very long journey, a journey that sadly many women are familiar with, and for me—baffling that there are actually many women who are not. I went to college and became further immersed in drugs and alcohol, and sex was merely another escape. It was a way to get instant validation that I was ‘attractive’ (i.e. ‘worthwhile’). The drugs and alcohol were a way to feel something other than the self-loathing I was experiencing every day. It was a vicious cycle of course—the more I used substances to escape reality, the more my reality sucked and so the more I needed to escape it. The more I used sex to substantiate my value, the more devalued I felt and so the more I needed to use sex.

Sometime after I dropped out of college and after dumping the guy I traveled around the country with, I moved back to my hometown and decided that my attitude about sex was all wrong, that this was the modern age and women could be empowered by sex, not demeaned. I was flashing my ‘feminism’. I was going to have sex as much as I wanted and it wouldn’t mean anything but sex—pleasure for the sake of pleasure, with no emotional attachments. I convinced myself this was the case. The amount of drinking and drugs I was ingesting made this convincing easier to swallow, but underneath it all I felt like a fraud and worse than that—I felt worthless.

I have wondered if there was a moment somewhere when I let go of that childhood fantasy, and always assumed I had. But you know what? I did not let go of it but rather, became cynical and bitter about it. In my idealistic heart of hearts, I was still looking for my knight. I was looking so much that I tried to fit that helmet onto many guys who were unworthy of that title. I declared ‘true love!” when it was more the idea of it than the man that I loved.  I lost myself so completely in my daughter’s father that I had no identity left at all—everything I was was invested in what he thought and what he told me.

Even into sobriety I chose men who were inappropriate, who were incapable of loving me the way I deserve and who were not men who deserved my love. I started to heal in many ways and I had a baby to focus on, and a whole lot of pain to break free of. In actuality it has taken me almost years of sobriety and another broken heart over a forced knight for me to get to a place where I felt ok in my own skin. A place where not only do I know who I am, but I like that person. I still have things about me that I don’t like, of course, but I can look in the mirror and know what I am seeing. I have a desire to live life rather than hide from it. When about a year ago I came to the conclusion that being alone was perhaps my lot in life, that perhaps my daughter and I would be just fine together, and then started to actually believe that—not only believe it, but feel contentment—well, that of course is when Pete and I came to our senses. As soon as I had let go of that childhood fantasy, the knight appeared.

All the pain, all the confusion and heartache, no longer needed to define who I was. It is a part of me, and lessons can be taken and hopefully passed to my daughter and the people in my life I love. This experience is yet one more I can hold onto that shows me life can be miraculous at times, even when a lot of the time it brings me to tears. This is the dichotomy that has always been in me: part of me cynical, scared, depressed, and angry at the world, and the other part hopelessly in love with it.

Comments

[Emily]

Every time I forget I am looking for something, it finds me (isn't that just how it goes?). This brought me hope today. Thanks!!!!

[Charlie]

When we stop holding life hostage, it is we who are freed.

Nice post Sarah... and having seen you struggle thru many of those heartaches, it is a true joy to see you happy.

[caitlin]

Well, yeah...very great post and of course you know i relate. All too well. I remember consciously learning at 15 that "sex sells" and began dressing and doing thing diferently...it's taken such a long time to even begin to undo that damage. But what a process you have been through and it is wonderful to see you HAPPY, of course in a relationship with P, but also its great to see your happiness within and your self-acceptance which has allowed you to love and be loved by all of us.

-caitlin

[DMouse]

Nice post.

I can't fully relate - I am one of "those" that isn't really familiar with that journey, but I have friends who took that path. I can see the struggles they are having now.

It is nice to see the end result!

[Catherine]

You know how when you read a great blog post, and you don't really have anything to add to it except ME TOO and I AGREE and you feel stupid posting just to say ME TOO and I AGREE, like you're some sort of animatron that walks around monotoning, "Acknowledged, acknowledged"?

Yeah.

[Cecily]

What Catherine said.

Oh--and it's so nice not to have to threaten to kick the asses of your boyfriends any more.

[Jessica]

Beautiful post, Sarah. I was never into drugs and alcohol but what you wrote about sex sounded exactly like my early personal experiences. It's so nice to know that, not only are we not alone but that there really is a chance to evolve past such circumstances.

[Sheri]

I wasn't into drugs but definately alcohol and sex, and at a young age...too young. I loved your post. It was as if you were describing me...but I haven't broke free yet.

I'm so happy that you're doing so well Sarah

[Elise]

Beautifully said.

[Amanda B.]

That was really really lovely, Sarah. I tip my hat to you.

[Dee]

Although such a sad recount, it was a beautiful post.

Thank you for sharing it, touched my soul

[gabby]

beautifully written and ditto on catherines comment

[anne]

Thank you for sharing this... you describe so accurately and well what I think is true for too many women. Your story could be mine, though I don't have a child. I'm so glad to hear that you are in a good and healthy place... I'm on the way there myself.

[heidi]

This post is so prophetic in it's own way. I wish teen girls were reading. I remember the days when I thought sex was love and wish I knew what I know now. the comments this post inspired are so honest, and fantastic. I am a fan. I will visit often.

[Elena Temnova]

A back translation would never be a fair test for the machine translation. If you want to evaluate the quality of machine-translated text, il would be better to take a text in a foreign language and to translate it into English. In such a case, you will see much more sense in the translation.

I've translated the first paragraph of the post into Russian, and here is the results (I've marked with big letter the parts which are incorrect)

Я думал много в последнее время об отношениях, сексе, близости, и любви. Я наконец достиг пункта в моей жизни, где эти вещи являются символическими. Где кажется, как будто все, что я закончил, вело меня к этому пункту, и я счастлив действительно счастливЫЙ (here it must be the full form of the adjective, instead of the short one). Я имею несколько друзей, которые говорят со мной о проблемах, окружающих эти темы, друзЬЯ (should be друзей - wrong case of the noun), которые являются КАЖДЫМ РАЗЛИЧНЫЙ (construction "each different" must be translated in a different way, and it's need to be reformulated in Russian) , все же каждый с подобными эмоциональными ответами; подобный мне.

So, you can see only 3 errors, two purely morphological, and one syntactical. Surely, the translation is not elegant, but it's 99 percent understandable.

[Elena Temnova]

I've forgotten to put the name of the translator I've used for this test (www.online-translator.com)

[melissa]

you are an inspiration...