Let's Talk About Sex

Last night was another ice hockey game for my nine year old daughter. The teams were more evenly matched than the typically are, so her team did fairly well holding the line for a while. Eventually, however, the combination of their few superior players and better teamwork, as well as the biggest bruiser of an elementary school student for a goalie I have ever seen, prevailed. Our team lost 5-2.

Seriously, this goalie was HUGE, and he would lunge out and drop his entire body onto the puck if it came within twenty feet of the goal. Our goalie is quite literally one-third the size of this kid. Our goalie is half the size of everyone else on our team, and the youngest. He’s only 7 years old and never played before, and in the first several games it would break my heart to watch him get pummeled with pucks, never stopping any because even if he lay across the net, he is not big enough to block the whole thing. But this kid has heart like you rarely see, and a loving and supportive dad who practices with him but obviously doesn’t humiliate or berate him ever. The kid just loves hockey and really wants to be the goalie. He has improved tremendously, and he blocks far more pucks than get in now. We all cheer louder than at any other time, parents and kids alike, when he blocks a goal. At the end of the games, our entire team skates over to this kid and pat him on the head saying “great job!” It is really quite uplifting!

But I digress. For last night’s game, my mother came along with me to cheer the kiddo on, so it was just the two of us. This was a treat, we got to talk and hang out one-on-one which we haven’t done in a little while. We started talking about various things, and a progression of topics led us to the discussion of kids and sex. And fear. I think it started with me talking about these 14-year-old girls I saw with my daughter and how really absolutely fucking painful it is for me to even be around them, because their pain is oozing off of their skin. I mean, I can see it! I made some comment to my daughter about how I am so glad I am not that age anymore, so of course she wanted to know why. I told her. She was concerned, but I said “You know what? You are a very well-rounded girl and have a lot of confidence. I think you are going to be one of those kids who make it through pretty well.”

In relating this story to my mother, I commented how I’ve always tried to be straight with her, albeit sometimes blunt. Then my mother, thinking of our little girlie being 14, started musing and worrying about all the sex the ‘kids’ seem to have earlier and earlier these days, and the drugs, and oh-my-god….etc. I told her that I’ve basically worked on the theory that if I am open and honest and straight with my daughter from the very beginning (which I have been), that she will hopefully know that she can always come to me for answers; that I will always tell her the truth. I figure this is my best hope for steering her away from bad decisions (like the oh-so-many I have made in my life).

My mother made the point that sometimes it might be OK to have the answer, “you don’t need to know that now” or “you are too young to know that”. This is a good point, yet I come back to the place of open communication, and wanting my child to know that when she comes to me with a question she will get an answer, not a dismissal or a postponement. So as a result, I suspect my kid knows far more about childbirth and sex than most kids her age know, and more than some kids may EVER know. Sometimes I do question myself, though. I think all parents question themselves along the way…how can we ever really know if we did things the best way? My parents were wonderful to me, treated me with respect and love all of my life, yet I ended up sexually promiscuous and a drug addict/alcoholic. I have never really thought for even a minute that I became that way because of something my parents did or didn’t do.

I worry of course about what things she may get into as she gets older, that she is genetically predispositioned to become an alcoholic. My gut tells me that being open and helping her be aware of my alcoholism and why I go to meetings, will ultimately help her even if she were to become mired in it at some point. Ideally I could spare her that hell, but I know that is an ideal.

What I wonder most is if my relationship with my daughter isn’t too ‘friendly’ sometimes (and I think perhaps it is sometimes), that maybe I let the line between mother and friend blur a bit too much. This seems to be a common phenomenon with single mothers, actually. When my kid and I are out to dinner and cracking up laughing, and then she comes over and snuggles to ‘mommy’, it seems like it just might all be working out.

Comments

[Cecily]

She is a strong and beautiful child, and you are doing a wonderful job--even if she doesn't know it. Remember that.

[Jessica Prince]

Love this post....many times I have said the exact same things.

First of all, my 14 year old son is goalie. The only thing worse than watching a goalie get pummeled is when it's YOUR kid. Kudos to your team for being so supportive - there is such a pressure on those guys (and gals!).

Secondly, like you, I take the role of being open and honest - communicative with my child regarding drugs/alcohol and sex in hopes that he will rely on me as a resource for good information and support.

[Catherine]

This is a great post. I think you are doing the right thing by being bluntly honest with your daughter, for two reasons. 1. I think, in general, this is the more succesful parenting style, and 2. I've met your girl and I think she can handle it. :)

[Amanda B.]

I think we all go through a self destructive phase. But look at you now, you got through it. You seem like a wonderful mother, and I think honesty is the best policy.

Your daughter is lucky to have a Mamma that cares so much about her. :)

[Missy]

My mother was like that. She always told me that if I ever had any questions I was to come to her first because she would give me a straight answer. She didn't want me getting wrong information from my friends.

I say keep doing what you're doing. You'll know if you need to change because the behavior will change as well.

[Amy]

I'm a lurker (came over from Cecily's blog) and have to say you are so right in what you are doing. Wondering if I had had a supportive, open and loving mom who treated me like I was old enough to know if I was old enough to ask I would not have been the teenaged hellion I was. Go Mom!

[Heidi]

I just found your blog through the comments on Dooce's daily photo, and I just had to comment on this entry.

My opinion may not mean all that much, as I'm not a mother yet, but I have to say that I agree wholeheartedly with how you are raising your daughter. Open communication, and being aware of your own and her problems are probably the best ways to ensure that she grows up just generally okay. My mom raised me like this, and I'm so incredibly grateful-- it didn't mean I didn't fuck up a lot, but it did mean that I knew I could come to her about ANY horrible thing I'd done or been through, and she would be there for me.

I was raised in a really small town where 99% of the parents did exactly the opposite of this, and holy hell it showed. And I do mean hell.

[Chantal]

Sarah,

I think I have a new reason to read your blog as much as I can. You're one step ahead of me in parenting, my oldest daughter just turned 8 and we're headed into the same area. My girls also know a good deal about childbirth and that we are sexual in nature, mostly because of my work in the field, but I still find myself gulping when they ask questions.

I think a sign of a good, positive parenting technique is questioning/examining it as it progresses. You're doing great!

Chantal

[jone]

hi friends dont be silly save u r self from baster gils

[Meg]

First--Congrats, newlywed! (Yes, I'm posting to this far, far after you wrote it, but I just read it today as I checked in on the off chance that you'd posted after your wedding, though I'm glad to see that you haven't actually, since it means you are still having time for you and your new DH).

In any case, I just wanted to say that my mom did what you are doing. Did I get in trouble? Yup. YOu bet. But I was the only one of my group who got mixed up in things but knew a way out. I had the self confidence to say no, and the resources to get myself out of bad situations b/c I knew I could call my mom if I HAD to. Not that I wanted to, but I could. So no one could put me in that impossible spot of having to choose one danger over another in order to keep my parents from finding out whatever crazy-ass thing I was up to.

I hope I can be as good a mom to my son, as you are to your wonderful daughter. Girls I get, but boys...oh my. I worry sometimes about how to do this. He's only 2 right now, so I guess I have some time to figure it out.

Congrats again.

[Amy]

Do not doubt yourself in this regard. How I wish my mom would have answered my questions WHEN I asked them. I remember asking about tampons in grade 5. She told me she would tell me when it was time. Well that time never came and when I had to tell her I had gotten my period it was miserably uncomfortable all round.

My kids have been raised to know mom will answer their questions when they ask them. They are open and honest with me as I am with them. I only hope this continues through the ages, so much healthier all round.

[Rachel Timmons]

I'm also not a mom yet, but someday...I really believe in the kind of approach you're taking. Who's to say what my future child/ren will be like, but it's genuinely the kind of parent I aspire to be. Sounds like you're doing a great job, and I feel you on being glad you're not 14 anymore--I think she'll weather it fine, though, knowing she's got a mom--and yes, a friend--like you. Kudos! :)