Sad and Beautiful World (Original Blog 2004-2008)

This is probably only funny to me

I confessed last year that I'm an American Idol fan. It is an Event in my household and so we are all giddy that it started again. Cecily and Charlie got sucked into it last year and have begun this year, so Cec and I decided to Instant Message each other while it aired. It was very entertaining. For us, anyway. Heh.

Cecily
yo!
Sarah
yay!
Cecily
lol
Sarah
LOL
totally
he is going to suck too
Cecily
you can always tell
what's with the shoulders?
oh god
he has a bag
Sarah
omg
he's majorly insecure...that's whats with the shoulders
Cecily
wait, where's paula?
I was on the phone
Sarah
her plane was delayed
lol
Cecily
ah
Sarah
oh man, now he's crying
Cecily
oh man
jesus fucking christ
Sarah
oh lord
what's with the dancing?!?!
Cecily
the fingAH!!!
Sarah
OMG
Cecily
BWHAHAHAHAHAH
Sarah
Did you see the handstand?!?
Cecily
hence the BWHAHAHAH
simon wants to do him
Sarah
hahahahahaha!!!!
wow
Cecily
holy shit
Sarah
Simon has been much nicer this year so far
have you noticed that?
Cecily
no shit
he must be getting BONED
lol
Sarah
hahaha
I'm scared of that goth girl that is coming up
Cecily
and I kind of like her
Sarah
Kiddo says hi
Cecily
tell her I said howdy back
god I hate this commercial
is Pete prepared for his early morning outing?
Sarah
oh, I didn't tell him yet
lol
I'm telling him right now
oh wait
Cecily
holy shit
a sober vampire????
is that what that show is about?
Sarah
what? What show
Cecily
new amsterdam
Sarah
oh, I don't know
Cecily
btw, I should SO go on that moment of truth show
Sarah
yeah!
and don't forget the lyrics...you should go on that
Cecily
seriously, what wouldn't I tell them
aw, he's cute
Sarah
yeah
Cecily
he's in
Sarah
he's nervous awwww
damn, he's blowing it
Cecily
shit
fuck
Sarah
lol
Cecily
oh man
wow, simon IS being nice
Sarah
yeah, I know!
there he goes
Cecily
yeah
now he's overdoing it
Sarah
a bit
simie??
Cecily
roflmao
yeeha
Sarah
yikes
Cecily
dude, BLiNK
suck?
or rock?
Sarah
I don't know....
I think good
Cecily
I was SO MAD that they didn't let that air force pilot through
Sarah
Me too! she was good
Cecily
oh, nice
Sarah
very!
Cecily
nice country voice
Sarah
uh oh
Cecily
fuck you randy
Sarah
lol
Cecily
it's country singing you fuck
Sarah
they hate country
Cecily
every black singer does those stupid RUNS
Sarah
I know and I HATE those runs
Cecily
those are way more annoying than a singing technique that has come over from celtic folk singing, for fuck's sake
grrrrr
Sarah
LOL
Kiddo thinks Simon liked her shirt....
because he could SEE HIMSELF in it!
Cecily
lol
LOL
Sarah
ack
goth girl
Cecily
hey, didn't that guy play for us at Doc's?
Sarah
heh
YIKES
Cecily
charlie just said maybe (name removed) could date her
Sarah
hahahaha!!
wtf
oy vay
Cecily
LOL LOL LOL
excellent, Simon
filler alert
Sarah
yep
Cecily
so cute
Sarah
she is cute
with no confidence
hang on1
ooh
Cecily
oh, wow
but she sounds too much like Norah
Sarah
yeah...
Cecily
yeah!
I liked her
Sarah
she's a bit too mousey
SPEAK UP
Cecily
yeah
sweat stains!
see, I hate him already
Sarah
hahaha
why, the hair?

Cecily
charlie called him the Blake for this year
Sarah
nah, not cool enough
Cecily
lol
as if Blake was COOL
Sarah
he was!
Cecily
no
Sarah
aw, he was adorable
Cecily
so NOT cool
Sarah
I liked blake
Cecily
I know
Sarah
shut up
lol
Cecily
but I love you anyway
Sarah
yay!
always got to have a sob story
Cecily
ah, girlie, why the blue contacts?
Sarah
lol
Cecily
she's so pretty
Sarah
yeah
Cecily
hope she can sing
Sarah
me too
uh oh
they hate when they sing celine or whitney
Cecily
don't do Celine
well, at least she can sing
seriously?
Sarah
yay
Cecily
yes
she's my new fav
awe
(misspelling deliberate)
stand up and shout!
Sarah
??
hang on a sec
Cecily
sorry
Sarah
anyhoo
what was the stand up and shout thing?
Cecily
stand up and shout is from Rock Star with marky mark
Sarah
ohhhhh
Cecily
this commercial is bizarre
Sarah
the comcast commercials?
yes, bizarre
ooh! Chris!!!!! (Daughtry)
(I had put hearts here)

Cecily
yeah, yeah, yeah
lol
hmmm
maybe pink hair right in the front won't work for me
Sarah
hehe
Cecily
of course he is
shit
he's great
Sarah
HAHAHAHA
in your face
or something
Cecily
lol
ok, now I think he's hot
Sarah
HA
damn, you're easy
Cecily
you know it
Sarah
ooohh baby
yay!
Cecily
cute smile
yummy
Sarah
he's great!
Cecily
aw, he brought his mom
charlie says "if James Brown worked at the 7-11"
Sarah
Glitter Boy!
HAHAHAHA
Cecily
worst
haircut
EVER
Sarah
oh yeah
Cecily
he can sing
too bad about the performance
Sarah
if only he knew how to use it
Cecily
Paula is being the meanie this season
Sarah
hardly
Cecily
meaner than usual though
Sarah
yeah, her drugs are wearing off

Cecily
LOL
that new laptop is SWEET
Sarah
I know!
Everyone should have an Apple
Cecily
when we win the powerball, we're so getting some of those
lol
Sarah
lol
mineral powder. what a crock
Cecily
no shit
Sarah
everyone should just rub their face in the dirt
lol
Cecily
my skin is better than ever since I stopped wearing makeup like, ever
Sarah
mine isn't, sadly. my skin sucks
and I hardly ever wore make up ever
Cecily
no it doesn't
it's beautiful, what you talking
Sarah
what, Gary coleman?
I have ZITS all the time
Cecily
who doesn't?
Sarah
I don't know
everyone but me
lol
Cecily
YIKES
Sarah
I love when they do these montages
with the same song
Cecily
they make them all do it
Sarah
yeah
Cecily
lordy
Sarah
here's blake
a gay blake
Cecily
and THAT makes him cool
Sarah
LOL
LOVE him
Cecily
like that necklace and shirt?
me too
Sarah
AWWWWW
I love him!!!!
he
Cecily
he's crying
Sarah
is so cute
Cecily
awwwww
love him
Sarah
Charlie is rolling his eyes, yes?
Cecily
no, he likes him
a gay kid in a 200 person town in NEBRASKA
Sarah
WHOO
Cecily
for fuck's sake
Sarah
that hour went by way too fast
Cecily
look, the black guy that lives in Nebraska!
Sarah
HAHAHAHA
Cecily
seriously
have you been there?
Sarah
nebraska?
no.
drove through Kansas
Cecily
white
Sarah
I bet
Cecily
anyhoo
house
sigh
Sarah
yay
who is the blond woman
Cecily
not sure I'm up for it
Sarah
where do we know her from
Cecily
the one who's gonna get sick
Sarah
yeah
the mom
Cecily
Idon't know
Cecily
k
see ya
Sarah
that was fun! I'm blogging this IM convo tomorrow
FYI

with edits
Cecily
excellent
Sarah
xoxoxo
Cecily
LOL
bye!
xoxoxoox
Sarah
bye!

Offline
Cecily has signed out.

Drama-o-Rama

I promised substance, I think.

Damn.

Last night I was perusing Flickr as I am doing 99.7% of the time, and noticed a bit of trouble starting to brew in a discussion thread of a group to which I belong. Not just any group, but The Female Self-Portrait Artist Support Group, the same one out of which some of us are putting together a book. Anyway, a little bickering was happening. Surprisingly, this was not something I had seen before in the group. I continued to check back because I was finding it entertaining, figuring it was harmless and would eventually cool down.

Now, I have no way of proving that this bickering was the catalyst for what happened next, but it sure doesn’t look good on paper. Let me preface this by telling you that the philosophy of the woman who created the group is equality for all members, meaning every member gets promoted to “administrator.” As of last night, there were almost 690 women in the group. You can see now why I found the lack of bickering surprising, can’t you? As an “administrator” of a group on Flickr, one has the power to invite, promote, or ban members; can lock discussion threads; change photo uploading limits; delete photos; delete discussion threads.

Can you guess where I’m going with this?

Some bitch got resentful and vengeful, and started using the delete button. Discussion threads started disappearing, threads in which many of us had poured our hearts, shared personal stories, and generally loved and supported one another. They switched what was a public group (with private discussions only group members could see) to an all private group, something which is IRREVERSABLE, and meant that no nonmembers could see the photos anymore. Meaning anyone who buys the book we are making who might want to check out what other amazing women are in the group CAN’T.

It was a horrific thing to watch, because it was happening before my very eyes. Many of the members, including the founder, are in Europe or elsewhere and weren’t awake to see the carnage, but had to discover the results and the freak-outs from all of us with their morning coffee. The group’s creator was upset but went immediately into “let’s fix this” mode, starting a brand new group with a similar name. We are slowly migrating over and removing our membership and all of our photos from the first group. A few volunteers are copying and pasting all the remaining discussion threads into the new group. People are rallying. But it isn’t the same. It doesn’t feel safe like it had and some women are thinking of leaving not only this new group, but the book project as well, which breaks my heart!

And here’s the absolute worst thing…the woman that many of us suspect? She’s in the new group now. The group founder says she has a computer hacker/genius ‘on the case’ to try and find out who the culprit is, but I’m not sure that is possible.

I am sad about it and really angry that one person would choose to be that vindictive and cruel, but I can’t say I am stunned. Honestly, I’m more amazed that this exact thing didn’t happen much sooner.  With that many Administrators and so many discussions going on all the time in the group, I can’t believe someone didn’t get offended and seek some sort of revenge before this.

Actually, that I thought that makes me even sadder.

I go out walking

It is so easy for me to see why I never sign up for the write-a-novel-in-a-month thing. It is 8pm and I still haven’t written even the most inane post for this blog, only the second day in.

Anyone else notice that the more free time you have, the lazier you become? The more hours you have to fill, the quicker they can seem to go by?

I was somewhat productive today, though I have yet to begin writing for my photo book. I sorted out three months worth of invoices—it took a while for Pete and I to figure out what was what after his computer died and we lost some vital information. And I found a pair of angel wings on EBay and bought them. Something I’ve wanted for a long while in this self-portrait journey…so many ideas I’ve had! I was trying to find out where one of those temporary Halloween stores are in my area that crop up every year, and the place I usually see one has turned into a permanent DollarTree (great in and of itself). I wanted to hit the costume sales the day after Halloween. I couldn’t figure out online where one was and nobody I knew had seen one. And then just a little while ago when taking my daughter to drop her off at an ice-skating rink, we passed one! I’ll be going there tomorrow…there are other things I’d like to have.

And I walked again today. I decided a while back that I had to get outside and moving, even if it wasn’t aggressive exercise. I’m in the worst shape I’ve ever been, and I hate it. If I’m not going to a park or to trails, however, I like to have some sort of destination. So I’ve taken to putting on a backpack and walking the 20-25 minutes it takes to get to the local shopping center in order to buy a few items I can carry; or to the bagel store in that same center; or my bank. Sometimes instead I walk down to the little town and the local grocer. Sometimes Pete comes with the dogs. I bring my camera in the pack, and after I get whatever I’m getting I take out the camera and take photos on my way back. I walk different ways sometimes. I get some fresh air, some blood circulating, and the bonus is I am not using the car as much so I’m saving gas.

But the best part is how it can clear my head. I don’t go every single day, but almost every day because I start to crave it. I need to get out.

I have what is a pretty loose schedule, to put it mildly. I get up at 7am; the kid goes to school at 7:30. I sit with Pete on the porch drinking coffee for a bit then he takes the dogs out and I get on the computer. And I get lost in there. Sometimes there is actual work to do, but not too much. I eat. I go walking. I come back and take my photo for the day. I work on it and while I’m working on it the kid comes home. Already. Then I get dinner ready. Then I relax with the family and help her with homework if she needs it, then she goes to bed…and I’m done. I go to bed.

Like I said, how could I get up at 7am and have the day be over so fast?

I need to craft my time better. Being able to stay home is fantastic and such a gift…but I’m wasting it. And I’m losing my mind in the process, I swear. I keep throwing out ideas of things I’ll do, or ‘should’ do, or think would be neat…but nothing changes. Ahh…I remember. That characteristic of not being willing or ready to change things until I am in enough pain…that really hasn’t changed for me much since being an active drunk. Speaking of that…I should really be getting to more meetings.

This is a stream of consciousness kind of post I guess. I remember when I first got sober we were told to write out how we would spend our days, because idle time was the addict’s enemy (the devil’s workshop, I guess). I wrote an absolutely ridiculous list. I mean, laughable! I was going to get up before dawn to write. I was going to walk. I was going to do all sorts of things that some people actually do every day. And I’m just not like some people. I’m like those other people.

Maybe like you?

Just Write

I don’t know what the deal is with me moving seemingly further and further away from this blog. I think about making a ‘hiatus’ announcement, but that would be kind of redundant at this point. I think about just pulling the plug on it but I get really freaked out when I do that.

So I thought today…just fucking write and stop thinking or worrying what you write. You, those who read, are wonderful and kind and don’t seem to mind much either way whether I am being what I think is deep and meaningful or what I think is mind-numbingly dull.

I am just going to write about what is going on with my life and make myself do it—if not every day, then every other day—because if I am actually writing on a regular basis, I might actually find something to say.

The weekend just passed was one without the kiddo and also came after Pete was sick and swamped with work so that he had no time to recover. We could not wait for Friday night and the chance to curl up in front of tons of DVD’s. We saw 16 Blocks and The Illusionist that night and enjoyed both as real entertaining films. I’m not going to give a real critique…they weren’t worth all that…but pleasurable.

Saturday we each did our own things until dinner time when we brought food over to Cecily and Charlie’s to play Texas Hold ‘Em in our own adorably lame way. We went ‘crazy nuts’ and used REAL MONEY this time, but none of us broke the bank by starting with $2.50 in pennies, nickels and dimes. Heh. I was the biggest loser of the night, going home with $1.10 and Pete was the big winner. Unfortunately, my loss pretty much cancelled out his gain and Charlie and Cecily’s combined winnings were more than ours. We had fun though and began our fantasizing—I mean discussing—our dream plan of somehow traveling across America this summer with all six of us and our combined three dogs. It has a few kinks, but we’re working on it.

We began the second season finally of Battlestar Galactica after the first disc made an appearance in the local library. That show gets better and better! A lot of Sunday was devoted to that. Then Sunday afternoon I was off with Cecily and Tori to visit Menita for what is now a second-annual “Blorgy” where we got to see other local bloggers and their offspring. The guacamole was to die for.

And then today in the mail Pete’s brand-spanking new Social Security number arrived! This week will be filled with freelance work I took on myself, organizing our tax information and getting it sent to my accountant, and getting Pete further entrenched in the U.S. system so that he can never leave. ;-)

Thanks for sticking by me…I’m going to try harder to stay in contact.

XO

Oh, too funny…I just went to upload this and Typepad is completely down. Figures, right?

Okay,  here we go!

Day Twenty-Seven: Tilling the Soil

I’m achy. Sore, tired, and achy. I worked outside in my puny yard yesterday and today to take advantage of what is likely the last of the freakishly (for late November) warm weather here. I tend to let things build up and pile up and get completely overwhelming before I ever decide to actually do something about them. It’s the “must have my back pushed against the wall” syndrome which is another version of “must be in enough pain before I’m willing to change” disorder.

At any rate, the yard was a mess. Again. And it won’t be the last time, either.

I pulled and dug up and scraped and yanked at weeds and overgrown shrubs and grass. I raked out piles of dead leaves that had blown into my mess of a yard uninvited (we have no big trees, dammit). I bagged everything up and put it out for collection. I even raked up the soggy, matted dirt and leaves that gathered along the street up against our curb.

Today I did it all over again in the little mini-yard we have on the other side of our porch steps. Then I put in ‘edging’ which involved crawling along on the front sidewalk and hammering in these plastic…well, edges, trying to avoid the myriad of rocks and juts of sidewalk pavement that seemed to have no straight edge to it. I would get in one end and as I worked my way down the sidewalk, sidling like a crab, the first end would start to pop up out of the dirt.

I did a lot of cursing, but managed to keep it mostly under my breath. Mostly.

Then I set to work on the bit that is adjacent to the driveway, which was more interesting, but also a bit more difficult. I pulled at weeds and roots that were embedded in rocks and creeping their sticky talons into the pavement. I put in bits of edging where I could and moved big rocks to join others where I couldn’t.

It looks a bit barren overall, but a lot neater. It is ready for winter.

I over-exerted myself, however. I always do. And tonight I am feeling my age plus another 20 years. I was achy last night too and still this morning, but forged ahead like the crazy woman I am. I would give my right arm for a hot tub right now. Alas, I have none, and I hate regular baths (I know, I’m weird. Want me to explain why I hate them. Fine. The idea of laying in a warm bath of my own filth is not appealing. The idea of taking a good shower first in order to take a bath sounds like work. The tub itself is uncomfortable for me, a fairly tall woman. Then there is the need for a shower after, to rinse off the soap and filth. I prefer to just take a hot shower).

I’m off to give puppy eyes to my husband instead, in the hopes of getting some sort of rub-down. ;-)

Day Ten: Filler

Thanks so much for the lovely comments on the photo I posted yesterday! It was getting late and I couldn’t think of what to write for a post. I was really proud of the set of photos I took yesterday in working on a self-portrait for my 365days project, and so I figured why not share one of them?

The one I submitted to the pool was a compilation of that shot and a similar shot in color. I have learned so much about taking pictures, about myself, and about others by doing this. I highly recommend it to anyone—it is a fabulous group of very supportive and talented people.

I’ve not got much for this post either, but I will not give up on the posting every day thing just yet! Here’s what’s happening then, in my world of late:

-Kiddo went to the dentist to get an imprint of her mouth on Wed. Her father didn’t get anywhere with the insurance, and is giving me a little over half the cost next week. She should have the ‘palate corrector’ or whatever it is called in a couple weeks and the dentist says she should only have to wear it for a few months.

-Today is my mother’s birthday! We went out to dinner and then back here for cake after stopping at an art gallery where my mom has a few pieces. We gave her a cool bracelet we bought in New Hope a couple of months ago and she seemed to really love it. It is very “her” as my daughter pointed out (she is the one who insisted I go into the store because they had stuff Grandma would love…and she was right).

-No big plans this weekend, obviously, since it is 8:30 or so on a Friday night and I am writing this post.

-Tomorrow I will tell you a story about the time I fell out of a tree, unless I have already told it to you. Please let me know if I have—I can’t find it, but I am still unsure!

Day Four. Cinema

Have you ever been in the video store or the library (where we rent all our movies for free each week, by the way), and you have no idea what movies to get? Have you ever picked out a movie and decided to get it because you liked the cover or there was an actor or actress in it you like? I mean a movie you never heard of?

They usually suck, right? I mean, it is a big risk to take.

Well yesterday I went to the library and among all the DVD’s I rented I picked up a little movie called Scotland, Pa. I had never heard of it, but it has Maura Tierney in it, and I love her (she’s Abby on E.R., in case you didn’t know). It also has Christopher Walken, and what’s not to love about him? All it said on the back of the case, however, was that it was ‘a dark story about murder and hysterically funny’. That piqued my interest the most, as I do love a good dark comedy.

We settled in to watch it last night and a few minutes into it realized it was a retelling of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. It was wonderful…very clever and hilarious! I’m a big Shakespeare geek, so this made it even more enjoyable, but it is definitely not a prerequisite to enjoying the movie.

I love when a movie surprises me like that.

By the way…this posting every day thing? The pressure is killing me, people. KILLING ME!

Okay, the truth is I am extraordinarily lazy. I’ll keep trying, though. Some people already told me they don’t believe I will post every day, but those people are very rude sometimes.

In the hopes of giving this post a little more umph, here is my self-portrait for Day 79 of 365 Days:

Warning: This Post May Cause You to Pass Out from Boredom...Zzzzzzzzzz.

We went on a typical fall excursion Saturday, an event that has become an annual tradition organized by a good friend of mine. Last year I missed it due to it being so close to the time of the wedding, but this year I insisted Pete attend so he could marvel at the pumpkins and hayrides and the like.

It was very cold.

We all met at an apple orchard and marched through the groves. I mostly took photos. Pete and the kiddo and I had all agreed we would not be buying any apples, so she helped pick some for my friends. We have nothing against apples. We just don’t eat them very often and I didn’t have any intention of baking a pie, so I knew they would end up sitting around until they got brown and soft.

After the apples, we convoyed over to another farm where they set up a mini ‘fair’ of sorts…just a way for a farm that isn’t doing very well to make some money, I guess. They have a big corn maze that two years ago I got lost in. I became somewhat bored as well as claustrophobic, so my friend C. and I busted through one of the ‘walls’ to get out. I didn’t want to bother this year, but Pete was going to go in it with the kiddo, but she lost interest as well.

We didn’t even go on the hayride, because by that time it was getting very cloudy and windier, and I was freezing. We saw ponies and chicks and bunnies, however!

Back at my friends’ house, we hung around snacking and chatting until dinner was served…an unbelievable feast of turkey, stuffing, kielbasa and kraut, mac and cheese, lasagna, and a few other things I think. There were 17 of us, but still! That was 4 meals!

At dessert, I asked if there were any big announcements to be made because 2 years ago was when my friend (the hostess) had announced she was pregnant with her son. No big announcement, we were told.

Except! A little while later I went outside to smoke and when I came back I caught the very end of a proposal! My friend’s sister was turning bright read and shouting “are you serious!!?” to her boyfriend who was kneeling before her. He apparently had been planning on proposing in a couple weeks after he got the ring, but was inspired to go ahead and ask then because of my query! So I felt partly responsible. It was a lovely end to the day.

And this is the end of what may be the most boring post. Ever.

You’re welcome. ;-)

You can see a few photos here, which are slightly more interesting. Only slightly though.  These photos are dedicated to Neil, because he misses the changing seasons.

Dating as a Single Mom, or Really? An Abusurdly Long Post Cataloguing my Dates after Motherhood.

Dating as a single mother is difficult enough, I think, but add to the fact that I was newly sober on top of being a new mother, and it got really complicated.

The real problem was that I had no idea what I wanted in a man. I didn’t know myself very well—hardly at all—so how could I know who would be compatible for me?

A lot of women get sober and find guys right away…usually too soon, in fact. I was both cursed and blessed by having a baby in tow for most of my first year. It kept guys pretty far away. This was ultimately a good thing, because it is not a very good idea to get involved with someone in that first year of sobriety.

I initially figured I would never be able to be with anyone who wasn’t also sober. How could I be with a man who didn’t understand the way my brain worked? The first guy I dated was someone I met through Cecily and Charlie at Christmas in their house, right after my daughter turned one. He had a little more time sober than me, and was working in a half-way house for men. He was gorgeous and a real ‘tough guy’ on the outside, but extremely sweet to me. Even though he did carry a big knife…something Cecily’s mother wouldn’t let drop at that Christmas. Heh.

He had three kids in foster care and was working towards getting them back to live with him full-time. So he didn’t mind that I had a baby one bit. Not long after we had a few dates he bought a house in preparation for getting his kids back, and the first time we had sex I drove him 45 minutes from the city so we could be alone there. He had no furniture yet, however, so we stopped at a store and bought some blankets and pillows and candles first. It was kind of romantic and a lot of fun to play in the empty house! It had been a very long time since I had been with anyone, and I was ecstatic.

After a while I realized that he was planning a real future with me, imagining us living all together with 4 kids, and that scared me to death. I wasn’t ready for that—I had no idea if that was what I wanted. I also started to realize that we weren’t actually that compatible. We came from completely different lives and as snobby as it sounds he wasn’t very well-educated. I ended up breaking up with him over the phone by accident. I mean, it wasn’t my intention to break up with him that way, but one thing led to another on the phone and that’s what happened. I felt horrible, because he was truly a great guy, and I am grateful to him for helping me feel desirable again. I ran into him a couple of times after that and he held no bad feelings towards me. We’ve lost touch and I truly hope he is doing well.

Over the years I was only with a few other guys, and in my daughter’s early years it wasn’t an issue to worry about what she thought. The hardest thing for me to learn was to balance my desires with her needs—to stop being so selfish. That took a long time. And I was really good at rationalizing my behavior.

There was the guy on the motorcycle next, who was in school and very smart and seemed to be well-suited with me, and I let myself get carried away with him. We had a lot of fun together and he was totally into my daughter, and even went so far as to muse on one day adopting her! Turns out he was just spouting bullshit, and after he dumped me it became obvious what a jerk he could be. He was the guy who had the gall to assume Charlie and Cecily would still hang out with him (and they weren’t that close to begin with). My favorite story of Charlie’s loyalty is the night not long after when they were all at the diner together after a meeting (I wasn’t there). He leaned over to Charlie and asked when they would go hiking again and Charlie looked at him as if he had three heads. “Let me explain something to you,” he said. “There’s Sarah, and there was you and Sarah, but there is no us and you.” –something to that effect (Charlie, please give us your actual quote here in the comments).

I can’t remember the order of the next two…LOL. One was super sweet—too sweet—and he bored me. Because that was where I was still at—unable to accept someone being so kind to me and still lusting for the ‘bad guy’—how embarrassing! The other was another tough guy, and it lasted much longer than it should have. We had a lot of fun for a while, and again—one day he dumped me. I was almost getting used to it, sadly.

Oh yeah, and in there somewhere was the horrible idea of becoming sex partners with the guy who was one of my closest friends in recovery at the time. We went to the movies together all the time, hung out constantly, and he figured…we should be together! I knew it was a bad idea, yet I went along with it anyway. Guess what? It was a really, really bad idea. Changed everything.

All these guys were guys I met in recovery, and I started to realize that the ones I was ‘into’ were idiots, really. Very immature, but that was kind of par for the course with guys in recovery (and girls). All of us were still trying to figure out how to live and who we were. I thought then that perhaps I should look outside of sobriety…find a ‘normal’ guy. But I had no idea where to look. I didn’t go hang out in bars anymore, obviously! A few times at the playground with my daughter I thought maybe I’d meet a single dad, but nothing clicked. I still wasn’t ready.

Then I met D. at a recovery convention in Harrisburg. He had lots of tattoos and 12 years clean, though only the previous 2 years of being active in his recovery. He was sexy and smart and we clicked immediately. He lived two hours away from me. We exchanged numbers after the weekend ended, and he actually phoned me, and I was thrilled. I went to visit him. He also lived with his parents as part of his amends to them—he gave money and helped do housework and yard work to help his parents out.

For the next two years I let myself get swallowed up by him and the idea of him being ‘the one’. We talked about marriage. I spent most of my time driving up to spend the weekends my daughter was with her father, with him. I arranged my life around him and was completely blind to the fact that he was really not doing the same. I became very close to his parents, his friends, very involved in his world. He took a long time to meet my parents or my friends. I bought a freaking fishing license because he was into fishing. I hate fishing!! Cecily and Charlie bit their tongues.

Towards the end, my mother got breast cancer. She also had a big art show coming up. He was supposed to be here for that weekend. He cancelled midway through the previous week for one of the lamest reasons I had ever heard, and I was furious. I snapped! I screamed and yelled at him and then he made me feel horrible for it. I see now he was provoking me on purpose and looking for a way out. I didn’t give it to him, so the next time he was due to come see me (now in an apartment of my own), he had a plan. Unaware, I was eagerly awaiting his arrival and the prospect of make-up sex. He shows up, I open my door, and he holds out a jacket I had left at his house and his copy of my apartment keys and says “I’m done. It’s over.”

That’s it. No explanation. No coming in to talk to me. He turns around and leaves to drive the 2 hours back to his home. I was floored. He had no concern for my daughter then or later. No concern for me. I crumbled. My whole world had shattered with no warning, in my mind, and I felt like the biggest fool in the world. And I proceeded to behave foolishly for a while after—calling him, begging him, groveling with him. I walked around crying all the time for weeks. I was humiliated. My daughter couldn’t understand what went wrong, and I couldn’t explain it to her. After two weeks, she looked at me one morning and said, “Are you still crying over D?” She didn’t get it.

I was done. When I finally started to feel better, I had to come to the realization that I might end up being alone, and that maybe I would be better off that way. I also decided that if I did end up dating anyone else, they would not be meeting my daughter for a LONG while. She was 5 or 6 then, and it wasn’t fair to get her attached to anyone unless it was the real deal.

Eventually I decided to join some online dating sights to try and get some of my crushed ego back. It didn’t help much, because again—the ‘I have kids’ box was checked and it kept my responses down to a real minimum. I went on some dates and had some flirtations, and while most of it seemed really pointless, it did help me start to figure out what I liked and disliked and finally start to think about what was important to me in a partner. I wasn’t going to waste time anymore with a guy if they weren’t right. And I started to become okay with the idea that being alone with my daughter was not such a bad thing after all.

Enter Pete in the middle of this dating. Our emails became an online friendship in which I would tell him about my dates and he would tell me about what he didn’t like about his girlfriend who he only saw for a week or two a few times a year. We started sharing our histories with one another, our demons. We started to rely on our communication…the encouragement, the friendship, the humor. And the rest is history, as they say. And also our future.

Ghost Dog

The other day I was sitting on our porch working on a crossword puzzle (one of my many obsessions of late). My daughter was already at school, I had walked the dogs, and Pete was still snoozing away in bed.

All of a sudden I looked up and saw this furry face right outside our gate. I thought it was the dog from a few houses down, but when I said out loud, “What are you doing?” he popped his head up to look at me and then ran down the stairs to the driveway, out to the sidewalk.

My dogs just lay there. I got up and followed it with my eyes as he plodded up our sidewalk and around the corner house, where I could see it by looking over my neighbors’ porch (we are in a twin…two units sharing a wall). He stopped and looked at me again as an animal control truck drove up my street and then right past him. Then he disappeared.

I looked at my dogs again. They were absolutely clueless that anything had happened.

The only explanation I can come up with is that it was a Ghost Dog (love that film, have you seen it?). He had no collar and so didn’t make any noise, but my two dogs who bark at anyone and anything that gets anywhere near the house didn’t catch one whiff of him! How could that be? He was right up at the top of our stairs, with only a wooden fence between him and the porch.

I saw him again a few days later. This time I called to him and he came up on my neighbors’ porch and then around the front into our bushes to be right up at nose-level with our dogs. They noticed. They barked like mad. This dog didn’t make a peep. I told him to get moving, and he did. A split second later my daughter came out to see what our dogs were barking at, and I told her about the dog. The dog that was no longer visible, of course. No other humans around until the dog became invisible, whereupon three different people all of a sudden emerged.

I’m pretty sure that if I see that dog a third time, he is going to actually speak to me.

I’m so sorry for posting so infrequently, and so lamely as of late. I have questions from you, and a new request just arrived by email to talk about my time as a single mother. I will get to them. I will try. This 365 group is making me so happy right now…I look forward to taking my self-portraits, love coming up with ideas for them and then executing them, love seeing what the others come up with and spend hours going through to comment. It has become a full-fledged obsession and I’m fairly certain I might need another 12-step group when it’s all over. This is why so little posting. This is why so little commenting on your blogs. Seriously, if you’re looking for me? I’m on Flickr. I hope to find some balance soon, however. Too much of anything is really not a good thing—even though my addictive nature loves every second of it.