Today I am 39 years old.
One more year before –that- age.
I didn’t think this sort of thing would bother me or even was bothering me but recently all those cliché feelings have surfaced. I fucking hate being cliché.
I think the fact that I only have a couple weeks left of my second self-portrait-every-day-for-a-year set is affecting me as well.
I came late to everything in my life and I’ve wasted a lot of time. It is very easy to dwell on what I’ve missed, what I didn’t do, what I should have done…perhaps what I could have done. That does nothing but make me feel despondent and frustrated. I rediscovered a love for photography a couple of years ago that I forgot I had. I have had moderate success without trying very hard. I should be trying very hard to get my work into arenas other than Flickr. This is what has been on my mind more than anything. Do I want to be a fulltime artist? Yes. Is that practical? Fuck, no. So it is time to get creative with how I make money using my art because getting into a gallery isn’t going to do it…my time for pipe dreams is long over. I wasted too many years on a barstool and in darkened rooms shoving drugs up my nose (and in my lungs and in my arms) imagining being “discovered” for a craft I didn’t work at (not photography).
So I am making a list of things to accomplish…both practical and lofty. I do not want to turn 40 without accomplishing my goals and creating new ones. Dreams are good to have as long as you don’t live in them. There is some saying that has been attributed all over the place…it is okay to have your head in the clouds as long as your feet are firmly planted on the ground. I want to try and practice that reality because I seem to be one or the other…floating in fairytale land or a stick in the mud.
I’ll put it on my list.
Just for today, however, I will celebrate and enjoy my special day. It only comes once a year, after all! ☺