Getting Fit

(I posted this on Flickr and meant to post it here as well...sorry if you've already seen it)

I've said many times that I'm not brave just for getting naked all over the Internet. There are many women who post real (HONEST) photos of themselves on here all the time. Frankly, I've always been terrified. Even before the current extra 20 lbs. LOL! That insecurity...that I've talked about before as well. And a lot of it was in my head. But I'm not comfortable with my body like this, for me, because for me this is unhealthy. Here's the weight stats, okay? *Gulp*

I am 5'9"

I weighed 135-140lbs in high school and that was normal. Except for that trip to Israel when I turned 16 and lost 20lbs. I thought I looked fab.

I weighed around 140 for most of the years after that, I think, though I wasn't checking regularly. Then I got into drugs. I lost a bit. Then I got into harder drugs and lost a lot. I was 120lbs and pregnant when I went into rehab almost 13 years ago.

I had my daughter, I stayed sober, and I went back to being 140. Then I started an office job. I gained a bit. I exercised on and off. Then I got married almost 3 years ago and yes, typically, we both started gaining weight. Heh. And I also started working from home. And became kind of a bum.

And then, the last straw, I quit smoking. I didn't really think about what I was weighing as I don't own a scale. One night at my parents' before this quitting smoking thing I was shocked to find I was over 150lbs.

Well now it is over 160lbs. I'd like to get back down to 145lbs if I can, and tone up. That's it. Nothing major.

This is what I really look like today. Relaxed posture, no tricks, no angles, only used Photoshop to adjust levels a tad.  I don't like it, and haven't for some time.

This is incredibly difficult for me to post. I spend all my time doing self-portraits trying to look my best, or to create an alternate me, or to emphasize one aspect of me. I hate seeing this, but know that others might see no big deal. I hope you understand this is about me and how I see myself, nothing else.

Finally going to start exercising and just reduce caloric intake...no counting calories or writing things down or anything like that. I know I've been eating too much. I know how to eat less. I have just chosen not to. :-)

I figure this will keep me in check much the way my quitting smoking videos have kept me in check...knowing I'll be posting about it; knowing it might help others; and I can post progress and slip-ups, too.

I did my Pilates routine this morning and I ate cereal instead of a bagel and a couple pieces of cheese instead of lunch. I had dinner at my parents' house and my dad made spaghetti and meatballs (!!) but I was good and had a reasonable-sized portion and did not take seconds. I allowed myself a small piece of cake for dessert. The absolute hardest part of my day is now...back home, ready to watch a bit of TV, and I'll be ready to chow down at 9 or 10pm. I'm going to eat raw peppers I have sliced up even though they will make me cry. ;-)

My husband, when looking at this, said "I see the woman I love and go to bed with every night. You look beautiful." If we could only all see one another like that, eh?

*N.B. I think weekly I will be posting progress shots honestly and reports on my exercise and eating habits. Honestly.

Comments

[jenn]

Sarah-
I'm sure that to your eyes those photos are horrific, but really, you are lovely. We ALL (I'm guilty of this 10000%) find plenty to deplore in our own bodies. How is it then that to our friends we look just fine? And they look fine to us? Getting toned and eating healthier are wonderful goals in and of themselves, but know that you look great.

[Lisa]

Hmm funny, I too am 5'9" and kind of have struggled in the same weight range as you. I've gone from 135 in high school (anorexic-looking twig even though I ate Taco Bell and ice cream sundaes practically every day) to 165 at my booziest and heaviest (drinking four beers a night does nothing for one's metabolism), then back down to 140 in periods of major emotional upheaval, and now I'm at about 155. I'm fairly happy at this weight but, like you, 145 is my goal weight.

The thing that is hard about being so tall is that when you tell other girls/women how much you weigh, they don't even try to hide their shock. I'm like "BUT I'M TALL!!! IT'S OK!" Heh. Good luck to you!

[brandon]

my god, there is nothing worse than a husband who says just the right thing at precisely the right moment. i mean, nothing better.

i am off to give overdue compliments to people who have long deserved them. thanks for the reminder, hot stuff.

[Heather E]

God Bless honey!
Be sure that you and the hubs start taking niacin suppliements. Do not get the No Flush Niacin, as it doesn't work properly. Regular niacin flushes the fat and plaque out of your arteries that the cigs put there all of those years of smoking.

[Shelli]

I am so proud of you for what you have accomplished. You quit smoking. That is so awesome. You are a strong person, you will do this, too.

As for seeing ourselves the way others see us, I was told at TC once that I was so "tiny" and someone else said, "I mean this in the most positive way--you are not that fat." She meant that my view of myself and what every one else sees is entirely different. My husband, too, finds me beautiful and sexy. And he knew me when I weighed 105lbs. Of course that was in high school, but still.

[Coral]

You go girl!! Cheering you on from the sidelines!

Although really you don't look like me - saggy - not good(although my boobs are ok - the rest is sad).

[Jennis]

Wow - Sarah, pardon me for being presumptive, but... You look like me! I also have the no-junk-in-the-trunk thing. :) It is amazing to see someone with a body shape so similar to mine...!

I am also trying to lose weight and it's really, really hard. :( I will think about you and encourage you while I hit the treadmill and pass up the chocolate mousse. :)

(PS I have discovered that Roxy jeans are the temporary answer to my figure.) :)

[Sarah]

@Jenn Thanks, Sweets. We are our own worst enemies, it's true. I want to be toned and fit. I want to be STRONGER, mostly. It's going well, too!

@Lisa You told people your weight?!? :-)

@Brandon That totally made my day. Thank you. I do try to give out compliments as often as possible. To strangers, too! It is a good way to spread joy, let me tell ya.

@Heather Thank you! Naicin, eh? Have to look into that!

@Shelli I love you, Woman. And you were totally tiny in person. And totally sexy, too, especially when you were all drunk and hanging on me. LOL! xo

@Coral Thank you!! xo

@Jennis Bahahaha! You know, I never thought it was an issue or a problem for me. I've always been complimented on my ass. This is definitely not a flattering angle. LOL. I'm totally obsessing about it now, dammmit.
;-)

[jeannie]

But don't forget, quitting smoking is a big deal, and still relatively new, and probably way more important to your long-term health than losing 15 pounds right now. Will it be too much to try and sustain the no-smoking and deprive yourself foodwise? Maybe one thing at a time.

I'd kill to look like you, believe me.

[Erin]

That belly looks like some serious bloat rather than just fat. A few weeks of eating right and that will go right down.

[Jennis]

Aw didn't mean to foster any insecurities! :) I think you look fabulous! And us tiny-assed girls got to stick together. :)

[Jane]

I have much farther to go than you, Sarah, and yet you totally added to my inspiration today with your bravery. Thank you!