Body and Soul

The other night my daughter told me she hates her thighs and thinks they are fat.

You have all seen photos of my kid, right? Many of you have seen her in person. She doesn’t have an extra ounce of fat anywhere on her body. She thinks they are “fat” because when she sits down, they spread out. I explained to her that the muscles are relaxed in that position, that is all. I talked about how when we stare at any one thing for too long, it can start to look strange to us. She said everyone else is pretty. Ugh.

What is a mother to do? How do we keep our daughters from going through this kind of agony? Will this sort of self-flagellation ever end? Is it inherently human or is it a product of years and years of media flashing false images of ideal bodies?? I do find it hard to imagine that a woman living in a society where the sole purpose of existence is survival would have the time to be concerned with issues of vanity.

It is heartbreaking. Then yesterday a good friend wrote a blog post about her own body issues…she wrote in gut-wrenching details about how she felt seeing her body. She’s gained weight in the past year since getting married, but to me she is still a long way away from fat. She is extremely beautiful and intelligent and knows very well that her thoughts and feelings about her body are unhealthy, but that doesn’t stop her from feeling them. She has had thoughts of suicide over this—it’s no laughing matter. She’s struggled with an eating disorder in the past and I’m worried she’s heading for it again. She possibly suffers from what we know as Body Dysmorphic Disorder, something that affects about 2% of the population (US).

A photo editor at a magazine recently contacted me. She had seen my photos on Flickr and wants to possibly use them with an upcoming article on body image and the rise of women on community photo sites doing self-portraits. It isn’t yet a guarantee (and I’m trying really, really hard not to get too excited about it), but the idea of it struck me. She talked about the current backlash against altered images in the media…have we all seen the infamous Faith Hill cover (Redbook) photo showing all the changes made?

Talking with the editor, I wanted to have hope. She works for a magazine that focuses on the body, one that I would have expected to focus on those “perfect” bodies that don’t actually exist. I began to feel a little bit optimistic. I thought about the Dove campaign for “real beauty” and while it isn’t all the way there as far as I’m concerned, it is a big step—multi-racial, curvaceous women and the Self-Esteem Fund seems like a cool idea. Still all beautiful and none particularly big women, but we’re getting there, perhaps.

Most of my self-portraits involve Photoshop, of course, and while none of it involves changing the shape of my nose or the cut of my stomach, I still take care to pose in certain ways and I do smooth out my skin. I guess I’m still “getting there” as well, and maybe this is the impetus to be more daring, more brave. Getting naked is not bravery, to me. Showing what I really look like? That would be brave. Because despite it all—despite loving my daughter and not wanting her to ever hate her body like she is learning to do, I am not exactly living a good example. I’m so much better than I’ve ever been as far as accepting myself and loving myself, body and soul, but the doubts and self-hating voices still arise. I still have days when I don’t want to see myself in the mirror.

And none of us should ever feel that way.

Comments

[jessi.]

I'm so sorry that your daughter is going through that! She looks gorgeous to me.

I have a 13 year old sister who recently started acquiring hips. You've seen photos of me naked, and you know that I have hips. Big hips. That's what we get. So even though she's about a foot taller than me and her big hips will actually fit her body, she's freaking out about them. She thinks that she's getting fat.

My sister is so not fat.

So she's started eating. Eating completely ridiculous things. My mom finds her sitting on the kitchen floor eating handfuls of chocolate chips from the baking cupboard.

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling, but I wanted you to know that I feel your pain. It's hard to deal with this situation. Poor body image can't be fixed by anyone but yourself.

[jessi.]

Also, that's exciting about the magazine! :D

[Jo-Ann]

Congrats on the magazine.

I am so sorry to hear about the thigh incident. I hope for a world where we all want to look at ourselves in the mirror and be ok.

Good luck and I know that you will do a great job at this.

[Heather]

Oh Sarah, I am so sorry that she is going through this. You know a few years ago there was a study out about anorexia being caused by the strep virus. Since this is cold and flu season do you think she could have picked up a strep virus? Could you discuss this with her doctor? Bless her heart, she is so young to be going through this.
Congrats on the magazine.

[jenn]

Fingers crossed for the magazine deal! We need more truthful images of women in the media. I have two daughters, one built like a toothpick and one who inherited what I call my "German peasant" build. I dread their teen years when they start to compare bodies. Why is it so hard for us to accept that human beings come in a myriad of shapes, colors, and sizes and that there is no one correct way to look? I stress body health to them, not appearance, and yet I fear that all my words are undermined by every magazine picture, TV commercial and program that they see. The Dove campaign gives me hope.

[Alison]

Oh, this made me cry. Your daughter, fat? Seriously, you have given your daughter your enviable proportions and metabolism, and still she has to feel bad about herself? It makes me cry, too, because I know I hated my body when I was her age and wonder if my daughter is destined to do the same.

[Natalee]

I think we all need to learn a little more self-love, and less self-loathe. I'm just as guilty of hating myself, yet I hate seeing my younger sister, who is just entering puberty, feel and talk negatively about her body.

What will it take for us to break this cycle?

I hope you daughter learns to love herself, just the way you love her.

PS: fingers crossed about the magazine!

[Julie]

Oh I want to grab S and tell her how gorgeous she is!

I am not surprised tho. My sisters and our neighbor girlfriends began dieting at 12- Figurines and Tab. It was ridiculous and I don't think I've spent a day since feeling normal about food and weight.

Have you see the new show How to Look Good Naked on Lifetime with that darling Carson Kressley? It's amazing. All women should watch it often.

[Julie]

By the way, form the looks of your (awesome) photo, we have the exact same hair color and cut right now.

[Half-Past Kissin' Time]

This post resonates with me because I have a 12-year-old daughter with the same exact body type that I have (reasonably thin, but thick in the middle and big boobs). I have made a conscious effort with her to avoid creating a poor body image. Part of that means not covering up when I take showers in her presence. For many reason from my childhood, I am uncomfortable with my body, but I'm pretty sure my daughter doesn't even realize it, because I have always worked really hard to be open around her. As a result, she is quite comfortable being naked around me and talking about her body, asking questions, etc. It makes me feel wonderful to break the cycle of shame in this way. Thanks for validating...

[Jessica]

Powerful post, Sarah...

[Celeste]

I saw some show (Discovery maybe?) months ago in which women were recovering from emotional problems with food and their bodies. One of them went to a photographer who deals in helping women recover. All I remember is that it was an older lady in NYC. The person would make an appointment and come to her and would get photos done A LOT like what you have done in your series. The photographer was very encouraging and warm, and the person was encouraged to relax and show herself. Later the photographer goes over them with her and shows her that she is NOT fat, she is NOT deformed, she HAS beauty, and so on. I know it's part of a larger therapy, but how cool to think of photography as a healing art.

It's killing me that I haven't got a link for you. I wonder if this could be a direction for you to pursue.