"Beauty walks a razor's edge"

Today the weather is close to the skin. It wants to rain, and occasionally allows itself to spit out some drops but then holds back again. The clouds are tight-lipped and hovering.

Papa has taken the kiddo to a museum for the afternoon. There is work I could (should) be doing and entries I could be writing; errands that need to be done.  I want instead to laze about musing…want to be able to harness a coherent thought into words. I’d like to watch a movie, perhaps.

I have been pouring through the various photos on Flickr from the Austin Blogging Women vacation several bloggers I know went to…enjoying the laughter and fun oozing out from them, and then I found myself surprised by something. Many of these women were adding notes and/or comments to disparage themselves over their looks in one way or another. “Fat roll,” “chins,” and comments on hair, outfits, and more. Some of it was in good fun, and some of it made me sad.

These women are beautiful—each and every one of them. I thought about myself and how when I go to post photos of myself—photos over which I have control—I do criticize myself, even use Photoshop to blur blemishes.

I come to this topic again and again. I’m guessing men probably go through similar thoughts when seeing images of themselves…I think it’s human…but women seem to me to take it further (myself included). I hate that we do this to ourselves. Not only with hating our bodies, but we are quick to take blame for things as well; to put the onus on ourselves when it often isn’t necessary. Heather recently wrote a post about how guilty she was feeling, and it was pretty much exclusively for things that were not in her control. She had nothing to feel guilty about.

But I do this as well. I take on the responsibility for things when there is nobody else to do it...when Pete is feeling depressed or frustrated with work or with nothing at all, I withdraw into myself. I get sad or angry when it has nothing to do with me, really.

I come back to this topic again and again, it seems. A lot of the behaviors are habitual…trained responses from outside influences and pantomiming TV and movies and ads. I’ve heard my daughter ask if she looks fat in something, and this girl is 100% muscle and bone. There isn’t an ounce of ‘fat’ anywhere on her. She’s better than most, I believe. I’ve tried to teach her that our bodies are nothing to be ashamed of and that everyone is beautiful in different ways…and she has more often made comments to support that, thank goodness. But I worry, of course.

Her “boyfriend” broke up with her early this week…out of the blue told her in the middle of her playing at his babysitter’s house, “For the record, I never want to see you outside of school ever again.” Then she had to stay there for 2 more hours! I told her she could have called me and I would have picked her up, but she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction! She also told him, “I should have listened to my mom about you. She told me you were giving me lines.”

That’s my girl. I told her it was his loss, and she believes it, she says. I pray she believes it. I want to be able to squeeze out every bit of self-doubt from her, disperse the hovering clouds into mist. Let it rain hard and fast to wash it all away and leave her shining.

I want that for all of you. For all of us.

Comments

[Jessica]

Great post, Sarah - such important points. And can I just say how much I love that girl of yours?!

[Closet Metro]

Beautiful post.

P.S. You're right - all of the Austin Ladies are beautiful. No photoshop required.

[Heather]

We women certainly do get on ourselves for a myriad of things, don't we?

Loved the post. It's funny because that post your referring to is something I could probably write every week. It seems like its always something. Why do we do it to ourselves?

And BTW, your daughter rocks. Love her come back!!!

[Chickie]

It shows that you are teaching her well.

[Cecily]

It's a tough issue, isn't it? I still stand behind people when I can in photos... sigh.

The kiddo rocks. Stupid boy. First of many, sadly.

[Shelli]

This is so true. Why are we like this to ourselves. When I recently posted a pic of me on my site and I liked that I was in smaller jeans and everything about my body, I had to comment that my face looked like hell, that I was really tired, etc., etc. It is sad.

[kerri anne]

You are so beautiful Sar. And this post is awesome. And, ditto what Metro said about the Austin gals.

[SandyC]

That's good -- bringing women out of the dark ages of self hate one kid at a time!

[nick]

Missed you on wed.

Love

Nick

[Tracy Helgeson]

So much of my personality is entwined with my feelings of self-consciousness that I don't know where one ends and the other starts. I have decided to just go with it and stop fighting it so much. However, I have made a monumental effort to not comment on bodies, weight and looks (mine or anyone else's) in front of my daughters. I think that when physical looks are discussed so much, we tend to judge others and ourselves so harshly. So far the girls are supremely self confident and don't disparage their looks or others. Good post, Sarah. Your daughter sounds way cool, and the boy is clearly foolish.

[Elise]

Oh, man, isn't it heartbreaking to hear a girl ask if she looks fat? I remember the first time I heard my cousin say that - my beautiful ballet-dancer cousin who looks like Mariel Hemingway - I just about died. But the silly thing about it was that this was the story I told myself in my head: "Oh my gosh, I can't believe she is asking if she looks fat. She is gorgeous. Now, me - I do look fat in this!" So I am as guilty of it as everyone else. Curses on this dumb society that thinks women should be fat-free. And curses on how hard it is to lose weight. I'm up 15 pounds since the summer. GRRRRRRRR. So what did I do tonight when I got home? Ate a piece of cold pizza after having a full dinner. Nice.

[Meg]

What a beautiful post, Sarah. I actually remember trying to train myself to hate my body, since clearly that would be how the popular girls would like me. I punished myself for not minding that I was big until I minded. Ugh.

Your girl kicks ass. And so do you.

[Sheri]

I loved this post, you are such a good writer and mom.

[Susan]

I only hope that I can raise my daughters to be as poised as your young lady sounds. You are doing a terrific job.

[Leggy]

Good post. S. rocks and so does her mom. I find that my son has self-doubt issues as well and it worries me a lot. Its hard as a parent to know how much of that is normal and when to worry about it. And like you, I want to try to fix it, or I take responsibility for it when I should probably step back a bit.

[sandra]

Sounds like you're doing a great job instilling a sense of self-confidence in your daughter. I often wish I could go back to the mid-elementary school days, when I could have given a rat's ass less about how my butt looked in jeans.

[TCho]

I just recently broke up with a guy. It hurts a lot because all of a sudden he just didn't seem to care about me. All my friends tell me that it's his loss, and I while I believe it, I wish I would stop thinking about him and hoping that he'll come around.

[mihow]

Awwww, Tobyjoe, I mean Matt, will take her to any future school dances!

[Dustin]

Wow. True insight on really hard topic. You are right that guys go through this too, but sometimes in ways that are more subtle or just not recognized for what they are. Why do our children feel so pressured to be other than themselves at such young ages? Truly sad.

[Amanda B.]

I love, LOVE this post. I wish you had been my Mommy. :D

[jenny]

Just agreeing with all the above commentators who are right on in saying that you're raising your daughter to be a strong woman. Self-esteem is the greatest gift you can give a child.

[brandon]

i just need to disagree with jenny (again). technically, an xBox 360 is the greatest gift you can give a child. self-esteem is number 4. i asked my son last night, and he told me.

[hooizz]

interesting thoughts about photographical self consciousness. i take ALOT of photos, and i definitely agree that 'looking good' is paramount when it comes to sharing photographs. ESPECIALLY in the day and age of online photoblogs, and free photosites (flickr, buzznet etc.). how can it not be important - we live in a day and age where people can pore over an online photo from every angle. they can re-examine. they can zoom in. they can spend minutes, hours, days looking at and examining a snapshot (creepy but true)... and inevitably they will make a judgement about us/you/me (even if they dont know anything about us/you/me, or the context of the situation that the picture is taken in).

not to sound like a broken record, but it sorta makes me think of match.com. ha!

i touched on this topic briefly in this post: (http://hooizz.blogspot.com/2005/06/is-it-everything.html). take a quick look if you get a chance.

cheers
hooizz

PS - your daughters 'boyfriend' experience reminds me of the scene in 'stepmom'. if only life was like the movies... and julia roberts was my mom. hahahh

[MainlineMom]

beautiful post. my mom screwed up my self-esteem/body image and I pray I never do the same to my kids. found you via brando.